Last night I slept in the comfort of my own bed with my stuffed animal giraffe. And I took a long shower. And I ate a whole box of Macaroni and Cheese by myself. Ask me if I feel guilty about eating the whole box—cause I don’t. Then I opened my eyes and realized that training camp wasn’t all a dream. That real things happened. Real big things have been sealed into my heart.
When I think about telling y’all (yes having spent 10 days in Georgia I am officially a southerner), about all of the things that happened it’s overwhelming. I know it might be hard to see how so much could happen in such a small amount of time, but it was nothing short of revolutionary to my life. So to break it down in a way that I think does it justice, I am going to break it down into adventures (what we did physically), relationships (who I met, revelations (what I know), presently (where my hearts at now).
Adventures:
So not having been a super high-maintenance (or so I thought) person most of my life I was like, training camp? No sweat. Literally such a poor choice of words. On the contrary, my sweat was sweating. Almost every night we had a scenario or situation that simulated obstacles or things that might occur while we are in the field. Such as sleeping in an airport without our packs for a night (on a cold floor with the lights on with loud announcements with only a sleeping bag liner), or community living (sleeping in a big tent with the 10 of us and all of our packs), being stuck out in the wilderness with only our day packs (heading to a campsite and sleeping under a tarp), or having our team pray throughout the night (we each took shifts in the middle of the night to pray). We also ate in a communal way where were all shared from a larger plate of food and had to portion it correctly. We took bucket showers. Which were glorious, but slightly shocking in the morning with very cold water. We also had squad wars, which was a competition between the 5 squads there. We did dance contests, relays, and other competitions to promote unity. We rocked the dance. Despite lacking the comforts of home—I gained a closeness with the Lord that is usually inhibited by the distraction of things like an always full stomach, a cozy place to sleep, endless screens, and being able to see myself in a mirror everyday. We had sessions wherein the ridiculously wise, spirit-filled, and freedom-loving staff spoke into our lives about Jesus and who he is, and us and who we are (were). We also had a timed two mile hike with our full pack along with exercise every morning to assure that physically we are capable of trekking across the world for 11 months. Truthfully, it was pretty physically challenging—but I would trade a life like the one I have now for that one if it means gaining a deeply intimate spirit-filled life as I did at camp.
Relationships:
These are my people. Thats pretty much the phrase that I left with on my lips as we drove away from TC. There is nothing like looking at people and seeing them, and listening to them and hearing them, and being with them and learning about their souls. It’s amazing how scripture always rings true—in sum “where are two or more are gathered in my name there I will be also”-Matthew 18:20. The people at camp—my squad mates, my brothers, my sisters, my leadership (aunts, uncles, parents) all brought Jesus with them and amplified his voice and his face; and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I wish you could have been there to see it. In this I had a moment when I realized my Father had given me exactly what I asked for. For quite some time I have been asking for community, and he did me one better. He gave me a massive family. Again scripture wins out, “delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”-Psalm 37:4 I met my teammates. 6 women who I admire, who I am going to do life with for the next 11 months, who are going to love me, and call me out, and laugh with me till I cry, and cry with me till we’re healed, and we’re going to be messengers of the greatest story—the greatest news that has and will ever happen.
Revelations:
Here comes the vulnerable part. (Inhale/exhale) This was not a week of teaching us how to be good evangelists. This was a week where we looked inward and saw what was inside us, who we were, who Christ is—and through that it transformed into how we learn to love people better, how we create relationships, how Jesus can change hearts and save souls.
I learned a lot of about my identity and how I’ve always struggled with “enoughness” whether it’s how I look or what I have to offer others, it’s never seemed enough. I have struggled with comparing my self to others and controlling how people perceive me. The women in leadership spoke truth and freedom to us, how it’s time to start being “damn straight women” who love each other and choose each other in sisterhood instead of conflict, cattiness, jealousy, and judgement. We are powerful, and the Lord spoke to me. It’s time you decide to start loving who you are—and that’s not ego that’s not being overconfident. Thats owning who you are and in that glorifying God by using your gifts to further His kingdom. I want to be a damn straight woman who speaks how things are, who lives freely, who loves who I am if for no other reason but than because God made me that way. Because I met women like that this week and because they were like that, it gave me permission to want that and to be like that. It takes loving yourself to love others securely.
I also learned about what it is to forgive, the conscious choice to pursue a healthy and light soul—carrying unforgiveness is bearing a cross we weren’t meant to bear. From here on out I vow to try to walk lightly because then I have more to give away to the people around me.
Again more big stuff—I realized he is so much more than I had tried to make him in my life, and I want to invite him in to run free and take hold of everything. He isn’t just worship, or scripture, or church, or prayer, he is in me. He is in my skin and in my bones, and he promised me a holy spirit that will never be absent that he said would be even better than him. Stay with me I’m pretty excited about this. I can ask for things, I can tell him hard things, I can wish for impossible things. He can provide, he can take up residence in my soul, he can speak life, he can heal.
I hope this is making sense because I’m not talking about a religion here. I am taking about all there is ever was and all that there ever will be. A heavenly father who wants me and is taking me to work with him to show his other children he wants them. Suddenly I have come more alive and the american dream is too small for me. I want more. A 9-5 not an option. Safety/comfort—nah.
Why would I go to the grocery store for food when I can get it right from the farmer. I want to live in direct connection to him, not a life where I simply encounter him every now and then. I apologize for how frantic and jumbled that all is, that’s pretty much my brain plugged into my heart about the past 10 days. Wait, never mind, I’m not sorry—I’m done apologizing for who my heavenly father made me.
Presently:
I have neve felt more important or directed than I do now. I have been divinely appointed along with many others to be part of the great commission, of following after Paul and the others, of bringing God’s kingdom here to earth, of making it on earth as it is in heaven.
I am still processing in a posture that’s like “I don’t know what to do with my hands”. But it’s all good things. If there’s anything to take from this it is that Jesus is huger than huge. And my heart has been sealed with truth, freedom, and love. There are probably so many more things I could and should say, and people I should thank, but I would love to talk to anyone or answer any questions that people have!
