I just graduated from college, which has been without a doubt the four most formative years of my life so far. (Deep sigh) So naturally the big question, the “what’s next” would seem to be the most common response, right? Not for me, not yet at least. I have been gifted with a heart burdened for the people of this world. The ones that are so easy to look at as a number, or an illness, a refugee, poster children for the commercials that urge us to change the channel.
And it is partially for those reasons–with the knowledge that they are not the summation of their stereotype as I have come to understand that I am not of mine, that I want to take the sweet name of Jesus to them. In whose eyes they are immeasurably more loved and taken care of then they are by this world. The same Jesus who looks at my sinful and unrighteous heart and says, “her”. I will choose her, and write her name on this cross, and upon it I will bare for her all the messiness of her past, her continuous mistakes, and the dark corners of her dark heart, so we can spend eternity together.
But I’m not there yet. I am not in Malawi yet, or Laos, or in the sweet Philippines where a portion of my heart remains. And for the past few weeks I have been swooped up into a whirlwind (I think Life is what some people call it). I would like to think that all that I do is striving to glorify Jesus, but I caught myself these past few weeks doing a balancing act, one in which I am on a tightrope juggling ten things as once (which would be disastrous as those who know my clumsiness know well). The past few days, it finally struck me and I thought to myself, “dang, I am totally glorifying the business of the process, paying it more attention than the purpose of it all-Christ”. I found myself realizing that I had not been spending quiet time with my sweet savior, that I was not being fed with the spiritual food of scripture, and that the enemy is just as cunning as we are warned about in 1 Peter 5:8 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour”. Using seemingly good things to distract from what is truly REAL and PERFECT.
But Jesus has been calling me back saying, “sweet daughter, I am enough, come rest for a while–I got this”. I have been reading in Isaiah, which has been talking about the sacredness of rest and the Sabbath, in the book I am reading called traveling light, the author speaks about Kind David’s 23rd Psalm some of which says, “He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul”, and I also have that “off” feeling, like though He is never far from me, but I feel far from Him. Everything in front of me has been whispering, “Pause, breathe me in, I will sustain you.”
The cynic in me says, “Okay, but these things still need to be done”. Preparations for the World Race must be made, gear bought, vaccines received, funds to raise. I have a new temporary job, I have fundraising to tend to, things that need to get done before I leave, words that must be spoken before I leave, etc.
Dear brain, shut up. Sorry if that was blunt, but sometimes I need to tell myself these things. The real truth is that His will will be done, and there is rest in that, whatever that may look like. Ephesians 3:20 says, “Now to Him that is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us”. This is my resignation to Abba father of the control that I have been attempting to have over the current tornado that is my life. Take it. It’s yours. I’m yours.
