Before I left for my trip to the Philippines this past summer, one of my really close friends told me something that I appreciated at the time—but would soon realize the real truth in it. She told me, “you have something that the world needs”. At the time it was encouraging and I think that she meant it to mean that I have a willing heart as well as hands and feet that were willing to do kingdom work. As I experienced the nations for the first time in their raw, vibrant, and beautiful glory—I began to realize that there was an incredible amount of truth in what she said, but not quite in the way she meant it. What I began to realize was that I had/have the kingdom of the most high God within me, and while good intentions and desire to serve are important—they literally mean NOTHING, unless we are simultaneously taking the gospel and the hope of Jesus everywhere we go. In fact, when Jesus returned to his disciples he told them that he was going to send us something even better. He said the Holy Spirit within EACH of us is better than Jesus in the flesh. That is probably the most convicting thing I have ever heard. Yes, feeding someone is incredibly important. Yes, rebuilding after typhoons is critical. Yes, playing with giggly children is beautiful. But what is going to make permanent, in fact eternal change is to share the story of Jesus and the love, freedom, and joy of the living God. Because we have been given the authority and power to do so, and most importantly to attempt to love people like he did.
All at once this was a difficult, bright, and liberating realization. In fact, it collided with one of my biggest struggles. For a long time, I have deeply and painfully struggled with vulnerability. Emotions are a tricky thing for me. In fact, for those who know what feedback is—a bulk of the feedback I received in the Philippines was from my teammates encouraging me to be more expressive, vulnerable, and trusting than I was being. There is no doubt in my mind that those prodding’s from the Spirit, as well as seeing and experiencing things that I could not emotionally process without being vulnerable, have furthered my ability to love people better. I am a pro at loving people from afar, I care about people so deeply, but when it comes to trusting them with my heart and pouring it out in front of others, thats not cake for me. But these past few weeks as I am praying about the countries on my route, and as I am reading through my journals—I realized something. Under the protection of Jesus, I do not need to let fear or pain have that power over me. I don’t ever want love to be like a currency in my life, being traded, earned, or handed over tentatively. I want it to be as real and prominent as breath. I want it to be something I exhale as freely as each breath and something I am not afraid to accept in return. I want to love every child enough to know their name and remember their laugh. I want to love every widow enough to sit with her in silence and listen to what she can’t say. I want to love the nations of the world so much that I don’t want a ‘home’ anymore, because my home is so deeply embedded in Christ.
As we all are, I’m a work in progress. And it kind of excites me that that work will continue every moment for the rest of my life. I know that I need to learn to be softer and to love people better. But I also know there are foundations being laid in my heart as we speak—foundations that are simultaneously tearing down walls of pride, fear, and hesitancy. And I have a feeling as the construction continues—there will no longer be house that contain my love for my Father and for his sons and daughters. World Race here I come!
