This place, is a space where I can be real. This is my space, my wall, a place to write my thoughts and what I’m processing, so today — you get to hear it fully.
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Here I am, six months into The World Race– Laying in bed. In Kigali. Fighting sickness. Fighting Lies. Fighting in my human flesh.
Yesterday I had the sweet opportunity to lead 6 people to Jesus (yeah!) and today — all I feel is my own weakness. I even watched a sad movie just so I could cry for a while. I’m SO weak. I need rest. I’m six months into this journey and I can’t do it… I can't do it on my own.
You may think that being in Africa, being in Kigali, one of the best cities- I'm just sure of it! — that it should make it all the more easy and that doing missions in a foreign land is like getting a magical unicorn named "Rainbow Promise" for your 5th birthday—but its not. And it doesn't.
This place is NOT vacation. Some days we work harder here than a construction worker on his busiest day of the year. We have to be completely open, honest and vulnerable. We have to be open for constructive feedback everyday. We have to have tough conversations. We have to pull the junk out of each other and lay it at the foot of the cross. And oftentimes we have some of the most unlikely conditions. Somedays I'm just thankful that I have clean clothes or a spot to sleep.
So this is it– I've been under a spiritual attack. And up to this point– its all been all that I could dream of so far in Rwanda. But just when I was walking in who I'm created to be– Speaking truth. Walking in the Spirit. Owning it– I was set back with sickness, the one thing that can cause me to stop.
My family here is all I could ask for. They laid with me yesterday. They held my hands. They listened to me. They spoke sweet words of truth and encouragement which is exactly what I needed. I might have even gotten a bar of chocolate– aka. rare glorious delight.
Being Kaitlyn Allen– I feel sometimes I know what people are thinking– the misconception is often that those that give off the most encouragement or come off as being super joyful are completely fine. And that was my cry. This girl– me– I'm human too—I need affection & encouragement & words of affirmation– I'm weak.
I think I learned a lot about that in college. A lot of people expect you to be the strongest (especially when you're in leadership positions) but often I felt like I was at a place of weak humility. Leading me to a place where I knew I couldn't do anything alone. And I can't. I can’t do this alone. I’m not superwoman and just because I’m out here in Africa doesn’t mean that I‘m the strongest or the bravest or the most courageous person. I’ve just learned a lot about not relying on my own strength. I didn't come with the mentality of doing it alone– thats why I've survived so far. I can’t do this year without Him. I battle a lot of things—and I feel like because I’ve risen to the challenge of being here this year, I’m a target.
I’m in a place where I can CLEARLY see God at work. In place I can speak in the spiritual authority God has given me—and I’m telling you that I’m still weak. That I can’t rely on my own strength. That my heart still cries out and LONGS for His presence. I’m here to tell you that even in a place thats wild and adventurous and all that some could ever dream of– I'm still not satisfied. And truly my heart will never be satisfied until it rejoices with Him. I recognize that I’m an “extra-terrestrial,” I don’t belong in this world. I don’t at all. I don’t belong in this place. I don’t fit in.
I’m here to tell you–
That there is a generation of people crying out here on the field in desperation of being HIS hands and feet. That there is a NEED for people. A need for people that LONG to be Jesus to this world. Because theres a need for restoration and a need for someone to bring a life of redemption to these people. And for now– there’s an enthralling adventurous life I wouldn’t trade for anything. I love it. I'm serious. I’m in a place of recognizing that full reliance on the Lord is where I need to be. Even in my weakness– He’s my strength.
