I have been asking a lot of questions since being on the race. What am I doing here? Where is the Lord? Does painting really mean anything? What is the purpose of this? How clean is this shirt? And I almost 4 months into the race and I have not received answers (except about the cleanliness of my clothes- that is easy to figure out), but as far as receiving answers from the Lord I am at a complete loss. Which is unfortunate because when I start asking these questions on the race it is easy to tell myself to just go home, a thought that I have honestly been contemplating since month one.
So in the midst of getting accustomed to the race in the physical aspect: the food, the cultures, the people, the packing up and moving, the smells; I have also become accustomed to many things in the spiritual and emotional aspects. I am now used to not having answers, to walking in painful silence with the Lord, to reading the Word without a spark of interest, and to missing the feeling of his omnipresence. None of these things are foreign to me because I have been through these periods before, but not for this long and not in this context. Here I am, in different countries with amazing people who encourage me and lift me up and in an atmosphere of seeking the Holy Spirit and expecting to see miracles and hear God’s voice, and this is one of the most difficult times of my spiritual walk. What I expected coming on the race was growth and change that was positive and exciting that led me to be a rock-star missionary and amazing person (only kind of kidding). And now looking back on the last three and a half months I am still asking the same questions that make me think that growth and change are just cruel illusions.
This time has been a struggle to walk through and I am just beginning to ask different questions. Thanks to people who have talked through this with me, my mind is beginning to open to new ideas of what the Lord may be doing. I am asking now why he wants me here physically, personally, and spiritually. I am on the race as a whole, not only in my physical actions but as a whole being and he isn’t working solely in the physical, but also in the other areas and I need to start looking at the entire picture. I have realized that I need to be okay being in a new place with the Lord and with sitting in silence with him while he is being silent, that he wants me to do nothing but to desire him and love him first. I am learning that he is renewing my relationship with him to look different than it ever has before and he is wanting to start with a blank slate. I think being on the race and walking with the Lord in a new way play off of each other, although I haven’t figured out exactly how yet. I am still learning and I do not want to walk away if that is the case. Even though I may not love every ministry I do or every day of the race, these are not things that God is rejecting but that he is using in the big picture. I have no idea what the picture will turn out looking like, but I am praying that it is beautiful and full of him.
