My whole life I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety. If you don't know what that means I will give you a short explanation. Basically there is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I don't produce enough serotonin, which is the chemical that makes you feel happy. So I could never find true joy in anything, I could never sleep, and I was like a shell of a person. I constantly would ask what was wrong with me and why couldn't be happy like everyone else? When I was around 11 the doctor decided to put me on medication to regulate my mood so it didn't fluctuate so severely, and I have been on it ever since. Well I have prayed for God to heal me ever since I can remember because I couldn't figure out why he would let me go through all of this. It just didn't seem fair that he would allow me to be so depressed. Well in Guatemala I got very depressed and I start asking God to heal me again, but nothing happened. Finally, I got so frustrated I just said to God are you gonna heal me from this or not? He said that he wasn't going to heal me from my depression, but he did say he was going to use it to build the kingdom. I didn't quite understand how that was going to work, but I had a sense of peace about it. It was like I finally got an answer and I knew where my battle line was drawn now so I could fight. A few days later Luis, our ministry contact, asked us if we would be willing to go to a new school and speak to the girls that attend there. See this school had the majority of their students suffering from depression and contemplating suicide. So we agreed to go and speak with them. It was like a lightbulb turned on and God said see I told you I would use your depression for my kingdom. So we went to this school and we set up stations to speak with the girls, Gabe and I decided to work together and he translated for me. We spoke with 6 girls about their lives and what was going on. Many of them were having serious problems at home and they no longer saw a reason to live anymore. One girl in particular had been violated when she was 5 years old and her family said to never tell anyone about it. Now because of what had happened her parents call her a whore, and a prostitute even though it wasn't her fault, and because of this she no longer wanted to live. So I shared with them the time in my life when I was most depressed. After my grandfather died I felt like my family and my life were just crumpling before my eyes. That one day I didn't think I could make it another day and I locked myself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and I was planning to take them. Then through divine intervention my younger brother came downstairs looking for me and he just gave me the biggest hug ever, and that's hat kept me alive. I then told them God had a plan for them to use these painful moments to reach others who are going through the same thing. That He had amazing things for their lives and that each one will be used differently to build His kingdom. In those moments talking to those girls was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Seeing the pain in their eyes and hearing their stories just broke my heart into a million pieces. On the other hand counseling them was very rewarding. I felt like God had shown me how I will be able to use my depression for His kingdom. Also I felt like that because I had experienced depression in my life, although I haven't been through the same things, I knew what it felt like to be in a state of desperation. I was able to share with them that putting your trust in God instead of people would make things easier, because He will never let you down. Anyways that was my favorite day of ministry so far, because it was specific to my life experiences, and it showed me my purpose in God's kingdom.
