When I went to training camp last October, I remember being struck by how much people around me seemed to know themselves. They understood things about themselves and their lives that I never knew you could understand. During those ten days, I came to realize three things: what self-awareness looked like, that I lacked it, and that I wanted it.
There are many overarching themes for my Race, but one of them is just that: self-awareness. I want to come to know who I am, where I’ve been, why I feel a certain way, what I am feeling, why I act/acted a certain way, and what lies/fears my actions have been based on.
And so, entering into month 4 of the Race, my team discussed what our goals were for the month. I sat there thinking, and I noticed that I had not prayed about this yet. I was not sure what God wanted me to walk through this month, or what direction He had for me to go.
To be honest, I prayed for self-awareness, for a direction that month. However, my goal was still not clearly defined and I really did not realize what God had for me in month 4 until I looked back on it during debrief. I was able to see how I had walked with Him, into more self awareness as He revealed to me more about myself through the course of the month.
In particular, I had two instances of realization about who I am, and, not coincidentally, they ended up fitting in together.
First, one night I was laying on my bed, quietly reading. One of my teammates asked me how I was doing because she had noticed I had been quieter than usual. I answered honestly, and told her I was struggling. In that moment, talking with her I realized two things about myself: that I have almost no grace for myself and there are lies that have become so much a part of me I don’t even know when I’m being lied to anymore.
The second moment of realization was during a team time, about a week later. I had been pondering the situation mentioned above and that night I was asked how I was doing. I sat there thinking and thinking, trying to use some of my growing self-awareness to actually answer the question instead of saying “I don’t know.” Then, it hit me. Apathy. I struggle with apathy. And in that moment, I understood. I understood that I had been stuck in a cycle for so long.
The cycle is as follows:
1. I decide I’m going to do something (say, read my bible daily)
2. I do it for a bit, the loose steam and stop, and become apathetic
3. I get frustrated with myself, and have no grace for myself because I didn’t follow through and begin to listen once again to the lies that are told to me (“you’re lazy, you never follow through, you’ll never follow through with anything”)
4. I become more apathetic and become lazy because I avoid what I’ve told myself I’m going to do because I feel bad I haven’t done it
5. Then I feel worse and I’m harder on myself
6. I give it up completely
7. Then I find myself something else I’ll say I’ll do
Some would think that realizing this is discouraging. However, to me it is God is showing me what he pulled me out of that I otherwise would have continued to live in until who knows when. By sending me on the Race, He pulled me out of this situation, this cycle that I was not strong enough to pull myself out of. By giving me distance from my “normal” life, He gave me eyes to see where I can grow and continue to walk with Him in.
So, I’m nowhere near done growing in this area. But by God giving me self-awareness and opening my eyes to who I was, He is showing me the next step forward towards growing closer to Him.
“Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.” Colossians 2:6-7
