My heart feels so heavy today. Well actually it has been for a while. As the WR approaches I’m starting to feel like I still have so much to do to prepare myself. I still need to continue to raise money, to encourage people to be praying with me, getting equipment, but most importantly trying to get the most out of where I am at right now. I feel so convicted about so much but at the same time I feel very discouraged about things and end up relying on myself to try and make things better. I know better than this but yet I still don’t show the faith that I know I need to have.
I say this because honesty is important and when we get real with ourselves we allow God to grow in us. See right now I am living in a halfway house in FL. I came done to FL the end of Oct of 2011 to get help for my drug addiction. I had tried to get help back in IL where I am from but I really wasn’t ready for change. I wasn’t really ready to do the hard work and surrender completely to God. I had gotten clean my first time on April 28th 2011 and stayed clean all last summer. Really though I was just as miserable as I when was using. I have always had some kind of relationship with Christ. He was my father and lover of my life. Well inside of me that is what I felt and said but my action where far different then how I felt. Anyways what I didn’t realize is that I had to become completely broken in order for me to really surrender my life to the Lord. God was going to take me to the depths of my grave. I never thought I would ever have to go there or have to be that broken to really learn to love God with my whole heart. I thank God every day for the road I had to take. I feel so very blessed to have had all the opportunities I have. Most people would not be thankful for having this drug problem or having had to struggle with it. I look at it much differently. I look at as a chance to grow and learn. Who really gets a year to get refreshed, re-centered and to have all this time to work on you? Not many people do and not many addicts look at that way.
Well most people recommended some one that is in recovery to stay in halfway for at least 6 months and not to go home for a long period of time. They say that because if you know an addict most likely they have never known structure and they don’t have the foundation to deal with triggers that might make them go out and use once again. In fact most therapists would not even recommend someone to do what I am about to do, to go on a mission trip for a whole year. I have been praying about this mission for 10 years. I have known from a young age that I was called to be a servant of the Lord and to do missions. I did many missionary works through my church in my own backyard for a long time. I was at one point the director of our Volunteer committee. I love serving and doing Gods will. I was not always a drug addict. I once followed God in my life. I turned to them to run away from things in my life and my past. Of course this was not what God wanted for me but I am made of flesh and will fall to my flesh even when I know not to.
So I set here with a dilemma. I have chosen to go home for the month of August to see my family. I am so thrilled and I can’t wait to see them. Not everyone in the recovery field thinks that this is a good decision to make. In my gut I know is telling me it’s ok. I would love to go home for the summer but I really need to stay and continue to work on myself while I have this chance. I know God has called me to this mission and know that this is his will for me. Not everyone agrees but really do we need everyone to agree with Gods will for us? Don’t we just have to believe Gods will? I’m not at all worried about my decision to go home or to go on the mission. I have had my church praying and friends for years with me on this and we all know that this is the time. I did not make this decision out of a onetime thought. No, it’s something that I and many others have been in prayer for.
So where is my faith when it comes to the finances of this trip? I asked myself this today. Why am I so worried about not making enough money in enough time? Wasn’t it God that called me this mission? Isn’t this is will for me? So, then why so little faith? Again if I get really honest with myself then I can say that I have been trying to do this out of my own works instead of relying on the Lord. Yes, I need to put the foot work in and do my part but I haven’t allowed God to do His part in this. I guess my dilemma is that if I have had faith all this time that God would bring me through my addiction, that He would choose when it was ok for me to home, and when it was time to move on this mission then where is my faith through raising the funds? I really had to set down and think about this today. Is this an area I am allowing the enemy to get to me? Of course it is. Anywhere I allow darkness, or not allowed God in is an area the enemy is welcomed. I need to change how I am approaching this whole thing of raising money. Frist, I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for my Lord and those that need to hear that the Lord loves them. Second, I need to enjoy this time and praise the Lord for every heart that is lead to donate. I am amazed at the generosity that people have when it comes to giving. Third and most important I need to pray and allow God to work in this area. I need to have the faith if God has called me to do this then why would He not meet the support that I need? I need to have that faith and as long as I am continuing to do my work He will do His, Maybe not in my timing but indeed in His time and in perfect time.
