My dad has always said that if he had to live anywhere but Chicago it would have to be near a large body of water, where he could have his boat. As his daughter I’ve adopted his way of thinking. Being out on the water soothes my heart. If I lived anywhere in the world I’m fairly certain that I’d need to be near some body of water, being landlocked leaves me feeling claustrophobic.
And while I’ve had no say in where I’ve lived this last year, God has been incredible and four out of these 11 months I’ve lived near the sea, including my final month here in Estonia.
We’re living in the city of Parnu on the coast of the Baltic Sea and part of our ministry is working on a sail boat on the sea. When I heard that ministry could involve working on a boat I was excited, to put it mildly. Spending my days working on the boat and preparing it for the summer season here has been such a comfort. I’ve felt as if I’m finally doing something that I know how to do, like I’ve stepped back into familiar territory after almost a year of being a fish out of water.
This year has been absolutely incredible but ever since I arrived at training camp one year ago I’ve felt completely out of my element. Nothing has stayed the same, everything has been changing. It’s all been for the best, and I know that. Yet at times I’ve yearned for how things were, the comfort of what I once knew. I know that even if things at home haven’t drastically changed, I’ve changed… a lot. I’m not the same person that arrived in White, GA exactly a year ago or the one who arrived in D.C. 11 months ago. I’m glad I’m not the same, I’m glad that I’ve been able to spend these last 11 months seeking after God in an absolutely crazy way, and that because of this my life has been forever changed, and yet there is always that BUT, the one perceived downside to all the good … and for me these past few weeks it’s been this: I’m not going to fit back into my life at home.
Thinking about arriving back to Chicago has been hard for me. When I talk to my mom and she asks me if I’m excited to come back home my response is usually “ummm…”. I do sincerely miss my family, my friends and my church and I am excited to see everyone. I’ve just been worried that after this year coming back home would feel claustrophobic, like I would be trying to fit myself back into this box that just wouldn’t work. A part of it was that I worried this would be the biggest adventure of my life and so anything other than this would just never measure up. That’s a lie. They are all lies.
A few days ago we got to take the boat out for a ride. As we headed out of the river and out into the bay, I found myself a seat looking straight ahead, across the sea, knowing that Finland and Sweden were somewhere in the distance. As i felt the rocking of the waves and the wind blowing across my face, I finally started pouring my worries out to God. I waited for an immediate response (silly me)… nothing… silence.
After being out for a while we started heading back in. I sat there looking over the edge, watching the water and I felt a peace just fill me and I knew His response… “It’ll be ok”
It’s ok that I won’t want to fit back into what life looked like when I left, I’m not supposed to. Going home doesn’t make going back to life as it once was. It means returning to a place surrounded by people I love dearly and who have prayed for me, encouraged me and supported me in every possible way for the past year. It means continuing on this ridiculous adventure, it’s not ending it’s just starting, the Race was just the first step and it will continue once I arrive back on American soil.
10 days….
Love you all,
-Jess
