Sometimes you just need to scream.
Like walk into a secluded field and let it all out, yell and scream until you’re exhausted.
The World Race isn’t easy.
Is it amazing? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Is it hard? Heck Yes.
We’re approaching the end of our 5th month of the race, nearing the half-way point. It almost seems as if a lot is just building up. At some point you get tired of being uncomfortable, of constant change, of constant 24/7 community, of never being 100% clean and of always being exhausted.
But what’s hardest is facing the internal stuff, the issues that God is bringing to light. The insecurities that He’s forcing you to address, the past that you need to face, the growth that He is pushing you into and the point of brokenness that He’s bringing you to.
Yes I want all this, my whole team does. We want to grow, we want to let go of all the lies we’ve held onto as our identities, we want to let God heal our past hurts and we welcome brokenness. We welcome all this because we know that God is doing something incredible. We know that He loves us and He is molding us more and more into His image.
And while we know all this it still doesn’t make it easy. We’re human, we get frustrated, we get tired, we get angry, we get to the end of our rope and we want to just give up.
Earlier this week we realized that a lot of us were getting to this point. We’ve been letting a lot of the little stuff build up. I personally was just annoyed constantly, frustrated at so much, and tired, so so so tired. I knew I wasn’t being honest with God because I wasn’t telling him all this, I just kept it in. As if it would be wrong to tell him that I was angry or frustrated or tired. Which is ridiculous because He knew already, He’s always known.
I wasn’t the only one on my team dealing with this and Austin suggested that we needed to just go scream. So we planned it out and decided to go as a group to a fairly secluded beach and swim out and just scream, let everything that’s been building up out
.
And that’s just we did. The four girls on our team yesterday headed to the beach ready to scream.
When we got there it was pouring which seemed even more appropriate. Jen and I went first, we just started swimming out farther and farther away from people until we could no longer touch the bottom. At first we just started laughing. It was awkward right? To just start yelling out in the middle of the ocean? We were also slightly concerned that people might think we were drowning. And then I just screamed, releasing so much of the frustration that had been building up. When I was sure that no one noticed or if they had they didn’t care we both just let loose.
What came out of my mouth surprised me.
I was angry. I was tired. But more than anything I was tired of not knowing anything. I just started screaming my questions out to God.
I poured our every single complaint/ frustration/ annoyance out to Him. When I thought I was finished, I actually felt a little bad and apologized quietly for losing it like that.
As I was just floating there ready to head back to shore I heard God whisper – “What else?”
Ummm… What?? What do you mean what else? He wanted me to yell more? What more was there?
A lot actually. About both my present and my past hurts. I wanted to know what He let them happen. I wanted to know why me? Why am I even here? Why do I have to leave behind everything I love so dearly at home while others get to stay? Why is this process so hard? Why can’t I just let go of things so easily? Why can’t I get over myself already?
I screamed and yelled until I was exhausted, until it stopped raining, until my throat hurt, until I felt empty.
I needed to be honest with God about what was going on in me. None of this was a surprise to Him, He’s known all along how I feel. This actually surprised me more than anything, I was angry about things I didn’t even realize bothered me. I’ve finally let it all out told Him just where I am now, exactly how I’m feeling.
I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to stop. I want to continue this process. I’m just learning that I need to be honest throughout it too.
-Jess
