For most of my life I’ve believed a lie that began even before I was born
A lie that I’ve unknowingly carried around with me
A lie that I allowed to be entwined in my identity
The lie that I’ve never ever been a part of anyone’s PLAN nor would I ever be a part of anyone’s PLAN.
My mother had me the summer before her senior year of high school. Never once has she EVER told me that it was a mistake or the like, rather she’s told me that I was an unexpected BLESSING. In reality it never mattered what she told me, I knew she did not plan on becoming a teenage mother and I clung to the unexpected part – the part that told me I wasn’t planned.
My biological father has never been a part of my life. He decided that before I was born he had no interest in being my father – being my father was not a part of his “plan”
My mother married an incredible man when I was 4 who adopted me and who is the man that I call Dad. He is my father but I’ve always known that He never envisioned himself as a Dad, it’s why I don’t have any siblings. Yes, he chose to be my father and love me but I latched on to the fact that he didn’t see himself having children – being my Dad wasn’t in his plan.
I do want to make something clear before I go any further – I know full well that my parents love me. Never once have they EVER made me feel unwanted or unloved, in fact they’ve done the exact opposite. I have parents who have done everything to provide for me and have never withheld affection. I have never once doubted that my parents love me.
Unfortunately the enemy started spreading the seeds of this lie before I was even born and watered them as I grew. No one ever told me that I was unwanted, but he whispered those lies into my heart and mind until I believed them. The words didn’t need to be spoken out loud to me, I just interpreted the events of my life in that manner so that when I thought about the way in which I came into this world the only word I saw was – UNPLANNED.
If I believed that I was an unplanned part of my family then it didn’t take much to make me believe that I wasn’t a planned part of anyone else’s lives. When I began to see that most friendships never lasted very long it was because I wasn’t a part of anyone’s plan. That no one would ever meet me and decide that “Yes, I want her in my life” that they would decide I didn't fit their “plan”. What’s more is that I’d told myself that no man would ever decide that I am a part of their long-term plan. I’ve lived my life with the fear that people are only going to need me for a short season because in the end I’m not a part of their plan.
I’ve been walking around for so much of my life believing this lie that I was UNPLANNED and because I was UNPLANNED then I was UNWANTED and because I’m UNWANTED then I’m not really LOVED.
AND IT’S NOT TRUE…. Sure my arrival on this earth may not have been planned by my earthly parents but my FATHER wrote my story into HIS PLANS.
“Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book” Psalm 139:16
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1: 5
“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11
I have ALWAYS been PLANNED, WANTED and LOVED and I REFUSE to believe and identify with any LIE that tells me otherwise.
I never actually wanted to write this blog, it’s scary to be this honest but I know that I am not the only one that has ever allowed this lie to take root in my life. So this is for all of you who’ve told yourselves that you were UNPLANNED or UNWANTED – IT’S NOT TRUE! Your birth and the timing of your birth was not a MISTAKE. Your Father CHOSE you, CREATED you and PLANNED your life. Before the foundation of the earth He knew He was going to create you and He KNEW the PLANS He has for you – You weren’t a surprise to Him – He was EXPECTING you 
– Jess
