“…So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or
‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all
these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first
his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as
well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6: 31-34.
So a startling thing has happened since my last blog
post. Suddenly (and I mean the next
morning) I was sitting at my desk at work and I suddenly started
panicking! I was looking at a calendar
for work purposes and had just looked at my bank account before, realized how
little time was left before I begin forgoing my paycheck and how unprepared I
actually am for that! From the last
entry you may have thought I had it all together and had learned to completely
trust in God for my provision, but please let me correct any misunderstanding…
I am in no danger of having it all together!
It was amazing though, how specific and timely this attack
came. Just as I was getting settled in
to this whole giving up my idols and relying completely on the Lord to provide
all of the many things I need for this trip – whack: hit upside the head from left
field. I was talking with a friend the
other night about some very specific attacks I’ve been through in the last few
months and the timeliness and specificity of each with what I was going through
at the time. We agreed it is pure evil
and must be identified and overcome!
I also must admit, I originally imagined this sequel blog
entry to be very different from what I had first envisioned. I thought I’d write about all the steps I’ve
been through and worries I’ve been delivered from and how I’m embracing the
unknown and stepping out on faith with full confidence now that God had led me
here and would make everything work out just fine. Well, that isn’t exactly how it has all
turned out! My house hasn’t sold yet, my
debts aren’t paid off, I don’t have all the cash flow I need to comfortably
navigate the next few steps I need to take, and my steady pay check will be
ceasing soon. Once again… PANIC!
Well that is what happened since my last entry. The faith I had been going on about faltered
for a moment and I started panicking about the whole situation. How am I going to pay for travel insurance,
gear, my mortgage until the house sells, etc, etc… The list went on. Am I really supposed to go in June – none of
this seems to add up!
Yesterday I was driving and thinking and praying and
realized something wild…this whole thing is still all about me! I am still trying to strong-arm this thing;
trying to make a plan that fits neatly into the way I’ve pictured it all to go:
sailing comfortably into this journey and then exiting comfortably on the other
side with no real financial worry at all. Well guess what, it hasn’t worked my way and I’ve now realized it’s probably
not going to. Nothing in this whole
process has been easy, why should this be different. In fact – even more so – this is one of the
most important issues God is trying to address in my life right now, and to
allow me to ease on in and have my plan be executed perfectly would bring no
growth. I would likely pat myself on the
back and congratulate myself on a job well done. Now I find myself scattered, broken, and most
importantly seeking.
Some answers have come slowly but surely. Most importantly: YES – you are still meant
to leave in June, so step out! Although
from any other perspective it just doesn’t make any sense, this part has been
confirmed for me. A year ago, my
rationale self would have concluded: put off the trip to later when things are
safe and secure; there is very little room however for faith when everything is
safe and secure. Other answers have not
come yet, but I am being patient and waiting. This is not the comfy, slide on in easy route I planned, but I have
been led through tougher situations in the last year or so and I am practicing
my faith in the unknown and the unseen. I am still unsure how any of these pressing financial issues will
unravel themselves, but I know a few things for sure: I know I have been
brought to this place and the Lord will not abandon me now, and when the mess
does come undone and I have been delivered, standing on the other side I will
know none of this was about me. I will
know none of this was my clever plan or execution, but demonstration of God’s
mercy and provision.
Please continue praying for my team and me. I know each of us are having our own
struggles – dealing with some vital issues that must be sorted before
undertaking the formal part of this massive journey. Please pray for me – not that my house sells,
or that money would fall from the sky, or anything like that, but that I remain
faithful during this time of testing.
-Jeremiah
