PSL for those who have done the World Race does not actually stand for Pumpkin Spiced Latte but for Project Searchlight. Racers like myself who have just gotten off the mission field have the opportunity to attend a week long… let’s call it a final debriefing. We have a full spaced out day of listening to speakers, breakout sessions and coaching groups where we talk about topics that we all have thoughts, questions or concerns about now that we are home in the states. I thought this week would be kind of helpful, I felt like I had handled re-entry pretty well and that the areas that I was struggling in was just me and no one else.
FALSE!
Wow has this been an eye opening week. I have heard so many truths this week and my favorite truth is “I am NOT alone!” I felt kind of like a conceited idiot to think that my own squad mates are not struggling in the same issues I am now that I’m home. I thought that they must have it all figured out, and to my stupid surprise they don’t either. I even got to see that there are at least 100 people in the room with me that have no idea what they are doing either. We all need jobs, we all need money, we all want to know where God is calling us to and to figure out where he wants us to go next. We all struggle with finding people to understand us, and because we struggle with these things we think we are the only ones and that we are all alone, but we are not.
This week I have learned many lessons for myself, but there is one huge revelation I had the other night that I want to share with all of you. I have been feeling a lot of pressure to get a job and make money and provide for myself because I can’t expect others to all the time and I hate constantly asking for help because I seem like a free-loader. So I have been trying hard lately to just apply for jobs and even try to sell my world race gear for extra cash to live off of for a little bit. I have been just making decisions for my life left and right because that’s what I’m told I have to do, that I can’t just sit here and do nothing I have to get back to “normal”.
My normal is no longer everyone else’s normal. I have spent the last few days wondering why he would open doors only to shut them. He did this because I made choices without even including him, I never once took his ways or his plan into my consideration, I didn’t think I needed God to plan my future, there was no space for him to help me. A beautifully wise woman named Betsy Garmon told me that I am a people pleaser and that I am on a plane trying to put on everyone else’s oxygen masks before I’m putting on my own. God this week has told me to stop, rest, wait, listen to me, and put on your oxygen mask.
By putting on my own mask I am stepping into the joy and peace I have when deciding to follow the Lord in every area that he commands and asks of me. I also get to face the challenge of upsetting those around me who might not be okay with this decision to sit and wait, and to them this might sound crazy and unrealistic. But to me putting God first is my reality and choosing him over everyone else; even those I love; does seem hard and can even hurt but I know he will be rewarding and that in the end it will be worth it. I know God is proud of me for making this choice and I am proud of myself for making this choice and choosing a hard path. Even though I might be on my own on this path I hope and pray that those I love will see all that God has done in my life in the past and trust that now in this moment of time he will continue to do great things, we have to be patient first. Good things come to those who wait…right?
