I’ve noticed that I’m a grudge holder. Basically I like to carry around useless crap with me everywhere I go. I’m a hoarder of past hurts for many years now and have been praying for God to just take it away for quite some time. That’s right. Take it away and make it easy. Just fix me.
To be honest, it took many years for God to change my heart on the matter. I’ve known it’s been a struggle since I was just a kid. I’ve been praying about it that long. It’s easy to forgive when someone is kind to you and truly apologetic. I’m not talking about that stuff. I mean when someone doesn’t say sorry and very likely never will.
But, God did a miracle in my heart on this very matter. And there it was one day. It was already there ready to freely give when in the past I could never find it. I didn’t expect it to show up, but it was there right when I needed it most.
It makes me think about how great His love is for us. The forgiveness is already there ready and waiting for us to receive. God doesn’t stumble around the gates of heaven holding on to grudges of how we’ve done Him wrong, how we’ve screwed up our lives, cursed, lied, stole, used His name in vain amongst other things and not once saying sorry. The forgiveness is already there if we are ready to receive it.
So just when I think I’ve got it…..
I’ve noticed some other secret places of my heart that I had forgotten about. It’s like when you do spring cleaning like I did recently and you look behind your dresser or pull out a drawer and discover some old junk you’ve forgotten about and don’t need. Are you going to keep it? Find a new place to hide it? You obviously weren’t using it. Or will you finally let it go?
He helped me with the big things and now I’m noticing these little things that I need to forgive. They are just as important as the big stuff He freed me from not so long ago. In fact, if I don’t clean those old drawers out, I could probably be worse off because I didn’t even notice them before and un-forgiveness would continue to take root in my heart. I'll turn into a true hoarder of past hurts and then cover it up by having 12 or so cats live with me. Yes, I'll be that cat lady in the neighborhood.
You would think that someone who has experienced the great Forgiveness of Jesus Christ so eagerly accepted in one’s life like myself would not struggle with this matter. In fact it’s quite stupid when I think about how I let small things hurt me so much and then hold on to that pain just so I can use it against you instead of freely offering you love.
I’m grateful He’s showing me how to clean up my act though.
I believe that some things I might always struggle with in life and I will experience victories here and there along the way. But this one I’d like to get right.
Mat 18:21
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
*Please note that I'll never be a cat lady. I'm allergic and don't like them much. No offense to anyone who does or who has 12 or so cats.
