I struggle with letting go of control in my life. I like to think I’m good at it but once things are actually out of my control I start to see that I’m actually quite terrible. I struggle to sit through poorly run meetings, poorly told stories, poorly run events, and etc. mostly because I’ve managed to convince myself that I could do everything better. I probably couldn’t but I like to think I’m the best at everything.
These past few months have been a struggle for me because I’ve wanted to tell God how I’d grow best, how I could be most effectively used in the ministries we’ve partnered with. Its ridiculous I know. I wouldn’t say that I do this out of any ill intent, I want to see the ministries we’re apart of grow and I want for myself to be grown and stretched in new ways.
I started to skew the picture when I started to take charge of what was going on rather than trying to see God in all of it.
The past month I’ve been asking God to break me because I want God to grow me in some profound and tangible way rather than accept the fact that He is doing work in my life whether or not I feel it in the moment. I struggle to let God be sovereign in how I grow from this journey and instead I try to insert how I feel like I should grow.
I do still pray that God would break me, I want to be taken out of my comfort zone. I do believe there is beauty that grow from when God prunes us but I also need to rest in the reality that God is still growing me regardless of whether or not I feel it in the moment.
I never want to be complacent in life. I never want to get to a point where I’m simply going through the motions, living life in a bubble of comfort. That scares me because, well… it bores me. Life living following God should be one thats full of color and wonder. It should be one filled with excitement and color because God is the master artist and storyteller. Its not one where we should expect rigid church pews and monotoned speakers, rather beauty and adventure. A complacent life seeks to stay in a place of comfort and thats a dangerous place for Christians.
On the flip side I’m learning that I need to be content with the fact that God is ultimately in control. I am in a season of slow and mundane which really isn’t a place that I want to be in but I’m learning that I need to accept the fact that God is still moving in all of this regardless of whether or not I can see it.
I want to see God move in huge ways in my life but I’m learning that I need to rest in the fact that He is the one telling the story and not me.
