Yes that is a pink gown i am wearing with a bunch of hearts on it.
I was telling the story about Jesus and how Jesus wants us to forgive our enemies. She heard the word enemies and she freaked. “ I am your enemy she screamed?” “NO NO.” I said. She walked away. “I can’t deal with you anymore.”
Lord the rapture can happen any time right about now…what I was thinking.
The agenda I wanted for this month was not what Gods agenda was for me. I am not saying he wanted me to have Dengue or he gave it to me. I think he just wanted me to really sit back, find some quiet time and really hear his voice in that time I had in the hospital and answer his question? Where do you want to see yourself going in the next 6 month? There was more going on beneath the surface more to it then me just being grumpy over pink sheets or being upset over a language barrier or spending the night in a hospital. I think about the Tsunami that happened here in Phuket Thailand or about the sex trafficking that happens down on Bangla Road here in Thailand or what about Apostle Paul who found joy being in prison and suffering prosecution for the gospel…so what the heck is my problem?
I should have found joy and made the best of my time in the hospital. I could have spent so much time in the word, praying for others, building relationships, witnessing, playing chess with the old timers. That did not happen and that bothers me so much. That is not being effective for the kingdom of God. I wouldn’t have had a problem with it and given myself more grace but this isn’t the only time I’ve acted like this.
This had to stop. I can’t do this anymore. It wasn’t even about my own agenda anymore and what I wanted. Anyway, there is no reason for that kind of behavior or anger. This just hasn’t happened on the race but before the race as well where I seen patterns of this in the last 9 years living for myself. I saw it last month in the Philippines when I banged up my foot and Moriah attended to me and I was a total ***** (just fill in the blank yourself).
**side note
(I think before telling the nurses the story about Jesus i needed to tell myself the story of Epaphroditus in Philippians 2:19-30.He was ill and almost died carrying out the work for the sake of the Gospel. In his circumstance there was no mentioning of him grumbling and complaining. Even better, what about the story of Jesus? Philippians 3;10 says "becoming like him in his death." Jesus himself took the worst circumstance of all. Through his punishment that he didn't deserve he loved us all. He could of chose differently his attitude through all of that. What a lesson I could of learned. Being sick or deep rooted stuff from the past there is no excuse. Philippians 2:15 says "We are called to "shine like stars". But the good news is that through the cross Jesus bared all my sin and shame so I can find redemption and growth only through him.)
Where do you see yourself going in the next 6 months? A question that rings in my head. If I can’t build a foundation now with Jesus then how can I when I go back home? One of my biggest fears on the race is going back home to same old habits and life style that I had before the race. I can make a list of excuses and keep hiding behind the things like the family tragedies I experienced, the sins, the people who burned and used me to justify it but how long can I hold on to it or better yet hide behind it?
Life doesn’t stop after the race is over. I will have to go back home and ask myself how do I want to live for Jesus today? Even better how do I want live the rest of my life…For myself or for Jesus? I examined the last several years how I lived and I am not proud of it and it’s made me more sick then Dengue honestly. It has literally, made me insecure, angry, paralyzed me spiritually, mentally physically the list could go on .
I truly didn’t know the answers to these questions until Malaysia.
Ok so by mid month I was better but still a little weak but I will say this blog does have happy ending
click the link below for Part 4
Dengue Fever, Nurses and Pink Pajamas? Is this Manistry Month? Part 4
