Written 2/5
Anyone who knows me knows how much I desire to grow personally.
You might even call it an obsession.
I always loved getting to know myself and more of the world, but once I became a Christian, I dove into learning more of God's heart and how to love and serve others. Learning about God and others feeds back into more learning about myself. Much of that self discovery has revealed ugliness and terrible motivations in my heart. This is what happens when you grow as a Christian: you realize how much your heart and thoughts really are selfish, twisted, and immoral despite your outward actions. Christians call this "sin".
Over the last 7 years, I've spent a lot of time self examining and discovering my sin. And, thank God, i've also seen Him ravish and renovate my heart in many areas to deliver me from myself and my own sin. Through prayer, love, and the Holy Spirit, I've experienced God removing lots of the selfish motives, misplaced ambitions, discouragement about the world, and lies I've believed about myself and the way things should be. He's replaced these with a desire to serve Him, a passion for others to experience fuller life, hope in my heart for the world, and beautiful truths about who I am.
In short, God has grown me immensely.
The Christian walk is one of growth and change. Any Christian should continually be growing. Scripture heavily supports this (read any of Paul's epistles). And growth is so GOOD. And rich, and deep, and worth the pain that comes with it. Christians often call it "sanctification"; it's the process by which we become more like Jesus Christ.
But even personal growth can have a dark side.
An obsession with it can distract us from God, the One who is creating and allowing the growth. Being driven by the promise and accomplishment of growing is not Christianity; it is self-help. It is only focus on Christ, and Christ alone, that leads to the fulfilling, meaningful, and lasting development needed in the Christian life.
I've always struggled with this truth. Being performance driven, I continually have to be reminded that growth is not the goal. I have to constantly rediscover that intimacy with Christ that is my prize and personal development is just a bonus.
Think of it like a marriage – growing as a married couple is not the goal of marriage, right? Marriage is about just being in relationship with one another, together because you want to know and be known by the other. Any development in your marriage either comes from the intimacy of the relationship or is to facilitate the relationship – it is not the point of the relationship. With God, it is the same way.
At the end of month 1 in Guatemala, my addiction of personal growth showed up again. Our squad all met in the Valle del Angeles, Honduras, for a few days to process, rest, and learn. Everyone was asking about how we grew, and I felt uneasy. Although Guatemala was incredible, and I was able to learn and serve a lot, I didn't feel like I really grew immensely or learned much about myself. I found myself feeling like I had fallen short or missed God in month 1, since there was no dramatic personal growth to speak of.
Then God reminded me He is bigger and better than my personal growth.
During these few retreat days, one of the kitchen staff asked for some prayer for their health and work. That prayer led to another conversation, and eventually one of the workers commented that she had been wanting to get baptized for a few months but hadn't yet. Her name was Vanessa, and she was probably in her 20's. We asked if she had any plans for baptism. She said she didn't because her pastor would not let her get baptized since she misses service occasionally at church. We were horrified that she was denied baptism for that reason when she so clearly sincerely wanted God in her life. She was quickly asked if she had any plans for the next day, and before we knew it, our group of gringos was baptizing a Honduran hostel staffer.
Vanessa got baptized today. It might have been in a shady above-ground pool, but it was poignantly beautiful. I invited some of the cleaning staff to come. My squadmates read Scripture and prayed with her beforehand. She so clearly desired to know God more in her life and wanted to be obedient to His call to baptism. Vanessa was very moved by everything. She cried in joy until mascara ran down her face, and my teammate, Taylor, held her. The opportunity to bless and love on Vanessa was a gift beyond any personal growth.
Seeing us baptizing a woman on the Honduran staff, another staff member was very moved. She was very interested in us and wanted to pray over us. Her prayer came from a place of deep appreciation for our affection, and she sincerely cried out to God to bless us. It choked me up. I realized how much our short time and attention with Vanessa meant to the staff. It moved this woman, who blessed us by praying all of God's graces on us. It floored me how much little things in love move mountains. And getting to be a part of that is way cooler than personal growth.
And through that woman's prayer, I realized how many people are praying for us. Our friends and family in the states, the widows in Guatemala from last month, and now this Honduran staff. God is hearing from so many voices about us, and He really hears them all. That is powerful and an insane blessing. And way better than personal growth.
Through Vanessa's baptism, I realized how much God really loves me. Really really does. God has blessed me deeply and richly, that I get to be here. That I get to be a part of His story, having purpose in life, doing something meaningful. That, in anointing me to love on these people, He has given me the desire of my heart and is fulfilling every deep hope I've ever really had. The gift of personal growth is a trinket compared to that.
Sometimes personal growth doesn't need to be at the forefront. God will move you in and out of growth-focused seasons in His time. Sometimes God just wants you to focus on serving and continuing right where you're at. Sometimes God just wants you to enjoy His blessings of love, grace, and fulfillment.
Sometimes you can just enjoy being where you are supposed to be.
