When I was in the process of applying for the Race I read lots of blogs recounting miracles, healings, fun times and many with heart-searching questions and struggles. I promised myself when I was accepted that I would show the people back home my true experiences. Obviously not everything is for the public to see, but if it can be used to encourage or set others free then I pray that God will keep me vulnerable and honest. This is one of those raw and honest blogs. I’m going out on a limb here so hang in there with me and maybe the Lord will start to open up new places of healing in your life as well.
I’ll just dive in. This past month our team was blessed to work with a wonderful American couple at ICM. They were in charge of the CCH homes and had been in India for 8 months so far with a desire to stay for at least 2 years. One day the wife was sharing with us the story of how she and her husband met. It was so of God. She had been serving as a missionary in Thailand for 3 years, he was living in Sweden and they had only met once briefly before he began to call, email and pursue her. He eventually moved to Thailand to date her, they were soon married and now serve the Lord together. I was so encouraged by their story and God’s clear faithfulness. When you decide to follow Him he doesn’t throw you out to dry in a deserted place of nothingness. He is the provider and nothing limits him. He is not thrown off course by your age, location or any type of situation that arises.
I know all of this in my heart but it’s so easy to let doubt creep back in. For some reason this past week I was really struggling with the desire to be in a relationship. I didn’t even care with whom, I just wanted someone to be loved by. I thought maybe I was just in a weird place of transition with a bit of homesickness or something. I made excuses and told myself to just get over it. No time to think of relationships…there’s 8 more months of the Race and possibly grad school after that. Get over it.
As I went to worship with the squad one night, the last song we sang was, “How He Loves.” We sang that so much at Gardner-Webb one semester that I was almost sick of it. I knew the words, knew the melody, but this time Brandon challenged us to really soak in the words and their meaning. Before the chorus was played I was wrecked. I ended up on my knees sobbing because of my brokenness and the sweet revelation that would soon follow.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy,
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh how he loves us oh
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us oh
The Lord completely opened my eyes to the true struggle within myself. I wasn’t looking for just any relationship, I was seeking true love and acceptance. I was trying to dream up a human companion to tell me how beautiful I am and how much I am loved. When I realized that “He is jealous for me,” and how great his love really is for me, I melted. I saw myself running after other lovers when the Lord is my husband. He is everything that I’ve been trying to find somewhere else. I was so ashamed for running from him then I realized that he’d already forgiven me and was waiting for me to just be embraced by him.
There was so much freedom and I’m still processing and trying to understand most of it – but here’s the tip of the iceberg. For many years I have struggled with insecurities in some way or another. I was worried in middle and high school about my height because half the boys weren’t as tall as me. If I was a beast on the court or a smarty in the classroom it could be viewed as intimidating. In college I gained some weight and that issue was added to the list.
I’m used to being the go-to person to make plans for get togethers or think of all the minute details like a "mother hen". I like to take care of others and make sure that everyone has what they need. I like seeing others happy and do my best to encourage. I'm beginning to realize that part of why I take care of others so much is because I'm uncomfortable with them taking care of me. I don't want to be a bother to anyone and at times I’ve felt like a forgettable person. I don’t do well to accept others’ encouragement. In fact, if someone gives me a compliment I explain it away or qualify it somehow.
My team has given me lots of positive feedback these past few months. I’ve been given sweet comments about me being “the glue that holds the team together.” One teammate said that there’s something unique about me that the team just wouldn’t be the same without. My sweet sisters told me that I was a beautiful woman of God and a bold fighter for his name. I always either shyly thanked them or just made a witty comment to change the subject. One day when we had one-on-one feedback time, two separate teammates told me that all the things they had said were true and they wanted to let me know that. They aren’t just words, they’re truth.
All of this finally clicked at worship that night and it was so sweet. I just stayed on the floor and talked with the Lord. I first thanked him that he did love me. I just acknowledged it and soaked in it. I repented that I hadn’t believed him, that I’d let my heart chase after other things rather than himself. Then I let the truth pour in. I am beautiful. I am a princess, a daughter of the King of kings. I am loved by the One who breathed out the stars and he is JEALOUS for ME. What a love!
The doubts and lies of the past – all the guys will go after the shorter, skinnier, flirtier girls, they’ll never find me… My morals are too tight, my standards too high, my convictions about dating are too old school and boring…I am not desirable…No man will ever look at me as if I’m the most beautiful woman he’s seen – All these doubts and mistruths were obliterated, turned to dust in my mind at that point. They were quickly replaced with strong and true words from the Lord:
You are LOVED.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are RIGHTEOUS.
You are WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
You are PERFECT AS YOU ARE.
You are MINE.
You are PROVIDED FOR.
You are UNIQUE.
Be you and be loved. That is all that’s necessary.
