So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
I sang these words last night as I stood in a small classroom with less than 20 believers gathered together to worship the Lord. Forty percent of those in attendance did not understand english, but the Lord did. He knew my heart. When I tried to sing, "with arms high and heart abandoned"… "all I am is Yours" he felt my fear. He saw my hesitancy. He saw the truth in me. The thoughts fighting for attention in my mind were many: "Can I sing this? Truly? Can I abandon my heart to You, Jesus? Can I honestly say that all I am is Yours?" I had to take a minute and stop singing. Sometimes you have to quit saying things until you're sure that you believe them – then you can truly sing with conviction and declare it to be true in your life. There have been many times that I've sang songs without any thought about what I am saying. How can I offer my heart to God if I'm not even engaged in worshipping Him?
I can still remember the first time I really felt freedom in worshipping. The youth group had gone to Centrifuge for summer camp and I was probably in the eighth grade. As I sat in the middle of the crowd and the band continued to play I wanted so badly to raise my hands while singing. For the many, many years before they had remained permanently glued to my sides only escaping ever so often for a tiny clap, clap, clap to the beat. Even the clapping was gutsy depending on where I was and who I was with. But that day I wanted to worship. Conveniently, the song was "Here I am to Worship."
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that
You're my God
You're altogether lovely,
altogether worthy,
altogether wonderful to me.
I felt the Spirit prompting me, "Worship. Worship. That's what you're here for." My heart was beating out of my chest and I knew my friends were surrounding me. I closed my eyes, and slowly raised both of my hands to the ceiling. Then it was true for me. I could sing. "Here I am to worship" and "to say that You're my God." Other times before it had been just a repetition of a catchy song. Now I meant it. Now I was free.
Flash back to Targu Mures, Romania. I'm 22 years old and surrounded by my team and some sweet Hungarian people. But this time it doesn't matter. They are not my audience, I'm not committing to them and I'm not abandoning my all for them. My song is for Christ. Can I truly tell him that I will stand for him and abandon everything else?
I kept thinking and thinking about my life now and what I'm doing. Next Monday I will be on a plane to India. After that I'll visit Nepal for the first time. I will miss many holidays and birthdays along the way of dear people back home. Thinking of my family brought tears to my eyes. Not because I'm terribly homesick yet, but because I don't feel like 9 more months is all that God has called me to. This life is a life of abandonment to follow the only One who is worthy. My mind flashed to the future and the possibility of missing holidays and birthdays year after year. I thought of going to another country to live with the people there and share God's word. Will I be alone? Will He provide a husband? A family? Is He still worth it without those blessings?
Later, we sang "Blessed Be Your Name." I have never thought about this song more intensely. I was standing beside two beautifully sweet Hungarian women. These precious ladies were both homeless and we had talked to them several times in the park. When they came in I was excited and motioned for them to sit by me. Immediately I noticed the strong smell of body odor as they are not often able to find a place to bathe. The service progressed and at some points I had to discreetly turn my head away to find fresh air. I was so ashamed. I was singing, "You give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name.'" Olga, the lady closest to me was homeless because she sold her home to pay for her late husband's funeral expenses. If I were in that situation would I still praise Him? I have been well provided for all of my life and I thank God for taking care of me. Still, will I trust Him to be my everything in the tough times?
Me, Jill, Olga, Kelly, Sarah and Irenka in the park before church service.
All of these questions were not stirred up in me by a few songs. These have been bubbling out of me for months now, before the Race even began. There is such conflict in me between wanting safety and an easy road and desiring to follow Jesus no matter the cost. What if the cost is my home, family, husband and health? Oh that I would have a faith strong enough to say, "My soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours." Thankfully He is ever faithful and so very patient with me. He delights in my small steps and will not give up on me. He delighted in my honest worship last night and will continue to walk with me through this faith journey.
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. – Psalm 37:3-7
