I still can’t get over the fact that 8 days from now, I will be sitting on a plane heading to China. By then, I somehow will have figured out how to get all my stuff into my pack. I will have completed my last bit of training. I will be reunited with my squad. I will have eaten my last meal at Chick-fil-A for 11 months (if you know me, you know this is a big deal lol). And I will have said my final farewells to my dear family and friends. I’ll be flyin’ high over the Pacific saying goodbye to this current chapter of my life and preparing to embrace the next one the LORD is writing for me.
It’s hard to describe how I have been feeling about all of this. Yes I am so excited about what God has in store and for the opportunity to share with others his wonderful grace and love. I am excited to see my team and do life with them on this journey. I am excited for the adventure and for a chance to spend a year with my Jesus, getting to know him more intimately and seeing his heart for the nations. So please know that I am excited for the race. But underneath all the excitement there is so much more going on that has been hard to process.
Honestly it would be easier for me to sit here and just tell you about the excitement. To exude a fake confidence and tell you that I am 100% ready to go and that I am prepared for all that God has these next 11 months. To tell you that I am completely capable of taking on Asia for a year and that leaving behind so much in America ain’t nothin’ but a thang. That would be so much easier but I know this whole blogging thing is pointless if I am not honest with y’all so here’s the truth.
Overwhelmed, nervous, restless, and inadequate is how I have been feeling underneath the layer of excitement. I am in no way 100% ready or prepared for these next 11 months. Not even a little bit. There’s no way I’m capable of taking on Asia and thinking about all the people and things that I love that aren’t coming with me is gut wrenching.
The honeymoon phase of the pre-launch life is over and I have been smacked hard with this reality: I am leaving for a year to go to places I’ve never been to to love, serve, and tell people I’ve never met about a God they’ve never heard of.
**Cue the feelings of being excited, overwhelmed, nervous, restless and inadequate**
I’ve come to the realization that I can’t do this. I’m not ready for this or qualified for this. This is too big a task for me to do. And at this realization, I feel as if God whispering to me, “Exactly. Now we are getting somewhere.”
As I have been trying to process all of this these past few weeks, my sweet Jesus has been reminding me of many truths that I desperately need to hear. The first is that yes, I can’t do the race if I rely on my own strength. Believe me, I have tried this far too many times and it always ends up a catastrophe of epic proportions. BUT, I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. And that’s what I want more than anything. To rely on the one whose strength never ceases nor wavers. To trust in the one who never fails and to follow the one who never leads his children astray. I want this year to be more about Him and less about me because a life full of Him is wayyyyy better than I life full of me, myself and I. I can do nothing but he can do everything and I have found so much comfort in that.
He also reminded me that the Bible is full of stories of ordinary people who weren’t really ready or qualified for what God was calling them do to. Moses couldn’t speak well. Gideon was totally convinced God had chosen the wrong person. David was a shepherd turned cheater and murder. Jonah flat out ignored God and become fish food because of it. Peter denied Jesus not once, not twice, but three times. Paul can be equated to a modern day terrorist. And the list goes on. But yet, God still used each of them to advance his kingdom and spread his glory. Their shortcomings, failures, and inadequacies couldn’t stop the all powerful God from accomplishing his purposes. And my shortcomings, failures, and inadequacies can’t stop God from accomplishing his purposes through me on the Race. I may not be ready or feel adequate but that’s okay because I know my Jesus is all those things and more.
Finally, this task is to big for me to do but I stumbled across this lovely quote that puts this into perspective.
“I alone cannot change the world but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.” – Mother Teresa
As I read this, I feel as if God is whispering to me, “That’s what I want you to do. Cast stones. Cast as many as you can and trust me to do the rest.” The task is great but my God is greater. And resting in this truth, I have found much needed peace about leaving in 8 days.
To top this all off, God reminded me last week of why I love missions as much as I do. I got to witness the sweetest Indian man get baptized at my church and the conviction with which he professed Jesus as he LORD and Savior moved me to tears. In a still small voice, the LORD said to me, “Now do you remember why you doing the Race?” Oh yes LORD I do. I really do. I want to see more of your people all over Asia experience your love, freedom, and grace like this man has. I want light to break through the darkest places and chains to be broken! I want to see Isaiah 61 come to life!
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” -Isaiah 61:1-4
Leaving on the Race is still going to be hard and I’m not sure there will ever be a time when I feel fully prepared to leave. I’m going to miss my family, my friends, First City Students, my dogs and horse, my bed, my independence, UGA football games, Athens, real showers, Chick-fil-A and so much more. But in the midst of grieving all of this, the LORD continues to remind me that what I am loosing momentarily pales in comparison to what others stand gain eternally. And that is what makes leaving completely worthwhile.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m packing up my life and surrendering all these crazy feelings and fears about this next year to God. He has guided me this far and I know He will continue to do so this next year of my life. This year will be hard. It will be stretching and uncomfortable. It will challenge me in ways I’ve never been challenged and it will demand me to surrender everything that I have over and over again. So am I ready for this? Nope! But I’m running full speed ahead after my Jesus anyways. See you in 8 days Asia!
Please keep my squad and I in your prayers as we are all making our final preparations for the race, trying to pack (prayers much needed for that haha), and making our way to Atlanta for a few more days of training. Please continue to keep the country of China in your prayers! If you are interested in learning more about what God has been doing in China these past 20ish years, I highly recommend reading The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun!
Thank for taking the time to read my blog y’all! 🙂
