Grieving
From my journal May 24th, Day 3 of training camp, I wrote.. “Tonight I experienced something I never have before. I’ve heard of God using people as vessels for visions of others and always wandered when my chance would come…”
We listened to Brother Mike Pascall speak about the grieving process and the importance of letting go of all the things that hurt or have hurt us in our past. I could write a book about this process but ultimately it boils to releasing the painful losses of past seasons so no hurtful emotions dwell within us. He shared a story of himself holding something in. He had a fellow pastor pray with him asking God to release him from all he held inside. As they prayed Brother Mike and the other pastor had visions. When they finished praying, they told one another what they had seen. They saw the exact same vision. God gave both men the same vision to ensure no doubt what Brother Mike needed out of his heart was gone.
I sat in awe as he continued speaking. I’ve always wanted the gift of vision.
Then, Brother Mike asked us to all close our eyes for we were about to release anything lingering within us. He told us to imagine ourselves on an old train station platform holding two bags, waiting for the next train to arrive. As this train starts rolling in he said imagine the train has written all over the side words such as “No More,” “No Worries,” and “Free.” And when the train stopped our ticket to board was letting go of our bags we held. You see the bags represented our pains, struggles, stress, 
heartaches, and any losing battles from our past.
heartaches, and any losing battles from our past. At first, I saw nothing but blackness. I was frustrated because I wanted to do this exercise. But then I thought maybe I don’t have much of anything to release. Then like an old movie, the picture crept into my head slowly and catchy. I saw the train arrive and stop in front of me. But in a blink of an eye, the entire scene started over and this time it was in vivid color and crystal clear. Although this time there was something in the grass to the left of me standing still. The figure was pitch black and looked similar to a cactus but the limbs pointed down and not up. The train came in from my left and stopped in front of me with the door wide open. It took maybe 1 second for a deep breath and then an easy drop of my bags (interestingly I was holding a maroon Nike duffle in my right hand and a brown leather laptop type bag in my left- the curious thing about this is I don’t own either one and had not seen either at camp). I stepped on the train.
The train wasn’t moving. I thought maybe I had not done something right. Maybe I had more to release and wasn’t aware of it’s presence. I waited on the train for roughly 4 or 5 seconds and then the vision vanished. All black again.
That night, a dear friend was sitting beside me. When I finished praying I sat down and relaxed a bit. But it wasn’t long after my heart grew heavy. My friend seemed to be struggling with this exercise. She was hurting and it was hurting me. Brother Mike walked to her and laid his hands on her. He prayed with her and as he spoke my heart grew even heavier. All I could think at this point was praying for her also. Instantly when I closed my eyes and opened my heart and mind to Him, the train station and train were back in my sight. I was back on the train as I was before, nothing different as I could tell. I turned around looking back at the train door entrance and there she stood. It was my friend holding her bags at the edge of the door crying. She wasn’t able to let go as easily as I had. I began telling her “Let go. Let go. You must let go to get on.” She cried harder (in the vision and literally). Suddenly she dropped the bag in her right hand. She felt some ease and accomplishment but continued crying. From the train I yelled louder for her to release the bag, Pastor Mike was literally louder, and she became louder literally and in the vision. Things began building harshly in my spirit and my heart, I was breathing heavier, and tears began accumulating in the corners of my eyes. She was also breathing heavier and crying harder (vision and literal). Out of no where, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, slightly tilted her head back, smiled, and let go of the bag from her left hand. Immediately, the weight on my chest subsided and my breathing slowed rapidly. She was calm.
But this wasn’t over yet. She smiled and had a sense of peace to her until she realized she had not made the step onto the train. She was right there. Toes on the edge of the platform. She continued smiling, but with a tiny shimmer of doubt and confusion. The vision stopped as I looked into her eyes. I opened my eyes and she fell to here knees praying more. I got down to pray with her silently.
After the night was over I sat with her and discussed everything I felt and saw. With tears from her eyes and an astonished smile, she confirmed seeing the same thing. She never saw me on the train, but did confirm dropping one bag at a time and never got onto the train. We talked about her amazing decision to let go of the hurts she carried and how she now needed to never look back. We prayed.
As I reflect on this experience, I still am amazed God actually used me as a vessel of assurance for her. But remembering I merely watched the show. She did the work. She released everything by choice.
We all must make these hard choices at some point. There are pains we cannot begin to put in words we carry with us everyday and do not have to. God asks us to hand everything to Him. He does not want to see us suffer. Jesus Christ suffered the ultimate price so we wouldn’t have to. I pray whoever reads this asks him/herself these questions. They will help you understand what you need to grieve and how the process is accomplished.
1) What brings about our need to grieve?
the Loss of something
2) Why is grieving necessary?
The heart cannot take too much at once.
We would begin losing hope with too much hurt inside of us.
3) Why do we avoid the grieving process?
Because it is Painful.
4) With what option does our past pain leave us?
Options: Hide it, Live in Denial, Live in Secrets, Rationalize it, and the only real way to release it is biblical grieving or structured morning process
After you feel you have grieved and released, ask yourself, Can I talk about it without anger, anguish, fear, or any wrongful emotions leading my words? If you cannot, pray. God will answer you when you need Him. Remember God is always there. Always.
