This blog has been a long time coming. Honestly I’ve felt pretty exhausted for the last 2 months, maybe not physically but definitely spiritually. I spend a lot of time thinking about God and my own spirituality without really ever figuring anything out and it can seem like an overwhelming task to try to put my journey into words. Here’s where I’m at and what I’ve been up to.
After spending the month of February in Vietnam with my old team (team Fusion), the whole squad met in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for 10 days to get Chinese Visas. Whitney Vines and myself are the logistics coordinators for the squad and one of our duties is to get visas sorted out. China makes it only slightly easier than America for foreigners to obtain visas so it’s a bit of a headache. But we got the job done and believe it or not we all have 10-year visas now. During the 10 days in Malaysia, Chris Moore had an accident on a trampoline, broke some bones and had to go home. We are believing for him to come back onto the field though. It was a big loss for the squad and especially for the guys as there are only 5 of us (and 34 girls) on the field now.
For the rest of March the guys had what we call manistry, ministry where your whole team is men. We left the ladies in Malaysia and headed for Indonesia. We started off on the island of Bali and connected with the Ywam base there, spent a night at an orphanage, went to some really amazing churches, and participated in prison ministry. That was all squeezed into 5 days so it was pretty packed. Despite the buys schedule us guys horsed around plenty having been around so many women for the previous 6 months. We raced around on mopeds and wrestled around every day.
Bali is a predominantly Hindu island, which is interesting because the rest of Indonesia is very Muslim. In fact Indonesia has more Muslims than any other country in the world! I had no idea that Indonesia, an island nation, is also the 4th largest country population-wise. We left Bali and spend the remaining 2 weeks of the month on the island of Java where it was quite clear that the Muslim faith is the vast majority. We stayed with Jeremy’s parents who have lived there for 15 years, they graciously opened their home and their hearts to us. We heard the call to prayer 5 times a day no matter where we were. There was a nearby mosque on either side of the house and it sometimes seemed like they were having a competition to see who could be the loudest over their PA systems, even in the middle of the night.
The island of Java is a bit bigger than the state of Pennsylvania but has 140 million people on it, pretty nuts. Surprisingly though, the island has plenty of green forest and the city we stayed in, Bandung, is surrounded by beautiful volcanoes and jungle. We met up with some really great people during our 2 weeks there. We visited and briefly helped with the weekly harvest at a farm that teaches sustainable farming techniques to locals and ministers to them as well. We helped out at an international school as they spent their week of spring break doing outreach in various capacities. I was with the group that worked with an anti sex-trafficking organization for the week. We also met up with locals that greeted us warmly and fed us in their village homes. We visited an outreach program that builds relationships through cheap English teaching programs, and we talked to church planters. It was a packed 2 weeks and on top of all that, Landon and I got bronchitis and Jeremy got Dengue Fever. By the end of the month it felt a bit like we had just been beaten up.
We flew back to Malaysia and had our once every 3 month debrief with the squad which lasted 5 days. It was a good time to recharge and reconnect with all the ladies. At the end of debrief our new teams were announced (teams change about every 3-4 months). I’m with Landon, Kyle, Kaitlynn, Amber, and Chantel! We’re still deciding on a name but as of now we call ourselves the Wilderness Explorers, which is kind of funny considering that we are in the city this month (in the Philippines). The ministry we are partnering with was stated by former world racers and reaches out to street kids. We’ve only been here for one full day but it feels more like a week as we’ve already spent so much time with the kids. A couple of them live in the house that we are staying in but most still live on the street. They have a block that is their “gang’s” territory so we visit them there but they also come to the house to hang out. The relational dynamics between the kids are something that I’ve never seen before and I’m excited to really get to know them and their lifestyle. I’ve already given myself a street name, they call me white cheddar. After I met one of the kids and he introduced himself as blue cheese I spontaneously came up with my street name and I’m trying to go by that name now. This month will be exhausting, it already has been, but it is also an amazing opportunity to love these kids who have received very little love and to get a cultural experience that few foreigners ever have.
How am I doing spiritually? Here is something I wrote down about a month ago:
“Yesterday after breakfast I was reading the bible. Well I was trying to read the bible. Then all of a sudden it struck me that I just really don’t get this whole thing. Intellectually I understand it all, in fact I’ve pondered theological questions beyond the scriptures that don’t even occur to many Christians. What I don’t get is much more at an emotional level, the understanding that yields passion and dedication. I’m at the point where I believe in God more than I ever have, yet I couldn’t point to a single area in my life where I believe God is working or has worked. For a long time I’ve thought that if I could only convince my self of God’s existence that would fix all my spiritual difficulties. It appears that is not the answer.”
At the start of this race I was very caught up with the question of God’s very existence. Starting in early March I realized that I’m pretty sold on his existence. I’ve heard way too many stories of miracles and inner transformation to continue asking whether or not he exists. My question has now become, where is he in my life? At debrief I played a song that I wrote 4 months ago. It is a song and an emotional expression of my frustration in my journey to find God. The song was received well by the rest of the squad and playing it empowered me to worship for an hour with my whole heart. I gave it all to God. Everything that I knew how to give, everything I could I surrendered. But nothing changed, honestly I just felt drained. I emotionally poured my self out but it just seemed like I was pouring myself out to an abyss because there was nothing that came in return. It’s hard for me to continue this journey when all that I ever get back from God is silence. I’m tired of searching, actually I’m exhausted from it. I’ve made progress in the sense that I believe in God much more than I did 8 months ago but at the same time the richness of my faith has remained stagnant. I don’t want to press on, I don’t want to press in. I need God to be my strength because right now I have none.
