“Oh, you’re the girl who went on that 9 month mission trip!”
Yes that’s me, I reply.
“Wow I bet it was life changing!”
I laugh and quietly think to myself, “You have no idea.”
Changed (v): became different
Wrecked (v): ruined completely
I will never forget the very first week of the race when the Lord had already began pulling up roots that had been engrained in me since I was young.
Slowly I began realizing how independent I wanted every one to see me on the outside, but how dependent I really was on the inside.
For years, the depths of my soul begged to be noticed, loved, seen and chosen.
For years, I had picked up the crumbs of Jesus’ goodness all while missing the abundance at His very own table.
It wasn’t important for me to love myself as long as I loved Jesus and others.
Oh how very wrong that was.
I remember sitting on my bed in Guatemala when one of my squad leaders asked me one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been asked, “Gabbi, do you love yourself?”
First thought came to mind, of course I love myself.
Within an instant, tears were streaming down my face and I knew the answer to her question was “no”.
In that moment, I knew that Jesus would never let me step into the fullness of His love if I didn’t first step into the fullness of my own.
Because by not seeing my self like Jesus saw me I was unable to fully see Jesus for who He was.
I grew up constantly finding my worth in many ways of the world. The good, the bad, and the ugly. How good my grades were, how I achieved in sports, how many friends I had, what people thought of me, or how successful I could be.
I was unable to receive the fullness of Jesus’ love because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I wasn’t good enough. No one could really love me.
All of these ideas, thoughts, and failed attempts at finding love for 20 years of my life all built up to this one moment on my bed in Guatemala.
All of a sudden Jesus was pleading with me to be loved by Him.
You see Jesus is a gentleman and for so long I thought I was loving Him and He loved me, but I never let Him love me.
I never let His entire being entrap me with the overwhelming joys of His love until that very night, my first week on the World Race.
To use the word changed would be an understatement, so instead I use the word wrecked.
The World Race changed my life, because I let Jesus wreck my life.
I let him wreck every previous built idea of who I was, who He was, what missions was and what love was.
I would lie to you if I said it was all as simple as that one night in Guatemala and that after that everything was fixed.
Because that is not true.
But because I said yes to the World Race it led me to that huge moment, which led to a lot more healing and ultimately led me to more of Jesus.
Because I said yes to the hurts, hard times, joys, and celebrations I found the love of Jesus in a wide open field with no fence in sight.
Unchained forever more, with joy and peace abounding.
After being home for about 6 months, I’ll be the first to tell you it hasn’t been easy. But every time I feel discouraged, unloved, or forever stuck I’m reminded of the World Race.
Then Jesus reminds me how it can still get better, how I still have so much to experience within the depths of His love.
Thankfully the World Race isn’t the end but simply a launching pad my sweet Jesus gave me. He took me to so many depths of Him in just a few short months only to remind me that there’s more and there will always be more.
Because He will always be.
And because of that I am able to be completely content wherever I’m at even if it’s not playing with orphans in the desert of Africa or walking the streets of Asia.
For nine months I traded in my normal for the wild, crazy, unknown. But something Jesus has showed me since being home is that a known way of life can be just as wild and crazy.
To be present instead of perfect, to feel loved and free when chains creep in, to be intentional in a world that tells you to be everything but that.
The greatest of all, I have learned to just be. To just live as abundant as I can. To celebrate the forgotten joys when the world wishes to distract you from them.
To love people well. To love myself better. And love Jesus the best of all.
