“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”
James 1:2-3
I’ve heard multiple times that the middle of the race is the hardest. You become tired, homesick, overwhelmed and all of the things. I never expected that to be true for myself, but it happened.
Lesotho and the first half of the Philippines were emotionally exhausting. Between things on the team, the heat, the saddness of the schools we were teaching at in Africa and a mutitude of other things, I became overly unsocial. I found myself slowly slipping into the pit of depression that I know all too well.
Waking up and being motivated for the day became a chore. Being around my team and performing the tasks I’m ment to do as a team leader became overwhelming and just a job that needed to be done, a list that needed to be checked off. All I wanted to do was sleep. I became overly homesick and for the first time on the race, all I wanted to do was go home.
I missed being around people who knew me. I wanted to be loved unconditionally for who I am. I wanted people to remind me of the truths about myself that I was slowly forgetting. I wanted to be encouraged daily. I just wanted to laugh and enjoy myself again. I felt my joy, happiness and general remembrance of why I’m out here slowly stripped away to reveal a raw, emotional person that I felt had no place on the other side of the world. I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling without feeling like I was going to burst into tears, so I kept it to myself for the most part. Not a healthy thing to do. I cried a lot, and I’m not a crier.
But where there is pain, you can be sure that there is growth. You can be sure that God is going to show up and redeem the situation. That’s just what he did.
I’m the midst of all of this, God filled a void that I’ve been working to fill for years. Sometime between Zimbabwe and Lesotho, God filled my heart completely with himself. Where I’ve always looked for someone to fill my thoughts, God placed himself there. God became enough for me and made me come to the realization that, I’m not empty anymore. I have no one to occupy my thoughts and im not squirming in my skin trying to fill that space. God is all I desire and the only person my heart is yearning for anymore. It’s incredible.
God showed me that, where it’s ok to let go of certain friendships on the race, others are still worth all of your time and energy. He showed me that he can fully redeem and restore what’s been broken. Through that friendship, he showed me that I’m still someone that’s worth being pursued and that I can feel free to love people fully despite the hurt and misunderstandings of the past.
He showed me that, somewhere along the journey of this crazy thing we call the world race, I’ve learned to trust and rely on him so much more than I’ve ever trusted in him before. He’s proven himself faithful over and over again. He’s reminded me that even when I feel like I’m completely alone, he’s still constant, still there for me to lean on when I have no strength to stand on my own anymore.
Above all else, he’s shown me that he knows. He knows exactly where I am at every point in my life. He knows what I need emotionally. He’s shown me that he’ll take care of me in absolutely every situation. He won’t let me fall out of his loving arms and he’s always looking out for my best. He sees when I’ve reached my end and he knows exactly what to do to make everything better.
He’s restored and refined me. He showed me that after I’m done learning everything I needed to learn from the difficult time, he will move his hand and return my joy. He’s returned my sense of self and reminded me of why I’m on the Race. He’s given back my love for the country and the people that I’m currently serving.
So yeah, it’s been a rough month and a half and I’m sorry I’ve been so absent. A lot happened, a lot has changed. Two of the girls from my team have gone home which is sad, but God is faithful. He’s moving and readjusting. He’s refining us to be better so he can use us in even greater ways. And he’s made me beyond happy and I feel completely like myself again.
I love the Philippines, I love the people and I love our ministry. I’ve fallen head over heals in love with Asia. I’ve fallen head over heals in love with God.
Praise him for the trials, because you will be more beautiful than gold at the end.
