I am from Texas, where women know how to keep make-up and hair looking good in 100 degree weather, and know how to keep a secret from spreading. Chisme is what much of my town, of under 10,000 people, call gossip. It passes like wildfire and causes judgement to fall. Because of that, you learn to hide your secrets and mistakes early. Even in church, you can say you are struggling, but don’t give specifics because then you’ll get a label and sideways glances.
Well that no longer cuts it for me. I have hidden secrets and mistakes for much of my life. I can’t be sad, hurt, or struggling at church because then someone may need to have a conversation with me that could mean something. How is that what God has called for his people to be? We are meant to be open, me-too people that mourn with those who are sad and rejoice with those who are succeeding. We can’t do that if no one shows their struggles.
We can’t invite the hurt, lost, and downtrodden into a relationship with Jesus and His people if a requirement is to never be hurt, lost, or downtrodden. It doesn’t work like that. God can’t get the glory in your life it you pretend to be perfect. He doesn’t call us to be perfect. He simply calls us to be His fully. When we show that we don’t have everything together, we let other’s know that it’s ok to be the same and still trust Jesus.
So here I go. I am no longer going to play into the masked church. I need to be real.
Sex has been my struggle for most of my life. My sensuality has been morphed into a distorted, ugly thing that the Devil has wrapped his slimy hands around, making all attempts to pull me away from God through shame and lust.
It started with just small, seemingly insignificant things. Wondering what me and my friend, who’s a boy, had in our pants, when I was four. Or exploring my private parts while getting dressed when I was five. Or being embarrassed to ask questions about sex or my period when I got the little gift from Mother Nature at 11. These things mattered though, because I am 28 and still remember them. They still say that I am dirty. They are still lies in my life.
When I was 16, I was raped by a friend. It wasn’t violent, I wasn’t tied or restrained. But I was pulled away from people, with no means to leave, and I had no desire to want it. And again, the Devil tightened his grip on a core part of me. I was poor, I felt unloved, and my virginity felt like that was at least something I could give my future husband. That’s what’s taught to us in church, right? To hold on to it and wrap our identity in whether or not we can keep it in our pants.
And so, more shame was heaped onto me. I now felt worthless and unlovable. So, since no one would want me forever, at least I could get them to care for me for a moment. I would pick guys to sleep with. I didn’t want anyone to know though, so I had to be selective. Find those that wouldn’t or couldn’t say anything.
And when I did actually like someone, and truly care and love them, I was used for my friendship and body. But in public, I wasn’t wanted. So the shame, lies, and hurt kept rooting itself into my being. It was such a part of me, and I didn’t ever feel I would escape it. You can’t erase the past, right?
Sex was a part of my life from that moment until I was 21. Then I surrendered everything for Jesus. I no longer let the Devil hold me in the dark. I fought and disciplined myself to not turn to using my body for affection. But in order to not have sex, I needed some release. The devil is a tricky one and will let you trade one bondage for another. So while I didn’t have sex, I did watch porn occasionally and masturbate. At least no one was getting into my pants and I was abstaining.
But that was just one more lie. I went from sex to porn and masturbation and then my mind got perverted. If I was frustrated or lonely or stressed or exhausted, I would get on a website and get release. And then a whole other round of shame and pain was put on me. I’d try to stop, but I’d fall right back again. For 5 years this was my life. I wasn’t having sex but my sensuality was still warped. I felt dirty every time and eventually just gave into it being a normal part of my life.
And then, 5 years later, at 26, after years of being “pure”, of learning to walk with God and let him lead my life fully, I had sex again. One month to being in a relationship, and I couldn’t even control myself. I bawled uncontrollably. I wept and was inconsolable. I felt weak and pathetic, and all of the shame that the Lord had pulled off of me came crashing back down like an anvil. Was I meant to be a harlot woman in the Bible? Was I never going to get past this?
Even on the World Race, I have fallen and turned to masturbation. Every month. Except one. And that is the month God keeps highlighting to me and showing me what it means to let Him love me and live in His love.
Nepal was the only month when the Devil didn’t win. It was also the month where I know I walked in absolute freedom that is found in Christ. And that’s the key. God doesn’t want us to grit our teeth and try to resist the devil and his lies alone. We aren’t even supposed to focus on them. I tried that for 23 years. It doesn’t work. It never will.
I know that the more I focus on Jesus and walk like him, the more I let God love me, and the more I listen and spend time with the Holy Spirit, the more freedom I walk in and the less authority the Devil is given in my life. I wasn’t focusing on my sensuality in Nepal. I was focusing on Jesus’s love.
If I wanted, the blog could end there, with me finally winning the battle and my life wrapped in a pretty bow. But that’s not honest. That’s not helpful. Because after a beautiful month of true freedom, I still screwed up. And here is where I am at now.
I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I won’t ever touch myself again. I don’t know if I will have sex before marriage. But I know that I am not defined by my past or my future. I am defined solely by the love God has for me. I desire what God desires for me, but that doesn’t mean that I will be perfect because I am a human living in a fallen world. However, I know that my story matters to God and He will use EVERY part of my life for his glory and to bring healing to broken people.
I no longer put on a mask to talk about my life. I can’t pretend I’m perfect because I’m not. God doesn’t want me to be. And neither do those that are hurting. He uses broken people, even in the midst of their brokenness. I am a human. I am a daughter of God, and I am learning, just like you. Don’t give up. I’m not.
I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision- you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.
– Philippians 3: 12-16
