Welcome to month five of my race. I’m so happy to announce that I am officially FULLY FUNDED!!! Together, we raised $17,561 – truly nothing is impossible with God. To everyone who invested and donated, thank you! Your support and prayers are part of the seeds being planted here in South America. So again… thank you, thank you, thank you!
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By now, as a squad, we have pioneered through the entire Amazon by boat, spent time in Iquitos, Peru establishing ministry contacts, and are now in Baños, Ecuador.
Since we’ve arrived in Baños, I’ve felt a bit like I’ve been walking through a valley. It’s crazy because this city is literally in the valley, surrounded by the most incredible mountain ranges. I can see that God is at work in my life, but to be honest I’ve had a few rough days filled with frustration. That’s the beauty of valleys though – they’re never meant to be your destination, just a part of the journey to the mountain top.
Last week, we had a “faith day.” One of my squad-mates, Eric, and I were partners and together we spent our day around the city without phones or money. The purpose was to literally trust the Lord for provision throughout the day and see what could come from a day of faith in the Lord. It sounds a bit radical especially coming from a culture in America where not having money or a phone won’t get you very far. However, our leader had told us about some epic stories that had come from faith days and how God provided for other squads so honestly, my hopes were set high.
I thought we’d encounter some people, maybe get a meal for free, and come back at the end of the day with an epic story to share. When none of these things were happening, frustration began to accumulate. I started getting hungry by midday, and my high hopes of a good day were quickly dwindling. My expectations weren’t being met and quite frankly, I was becoming demanding in my heart and questioning why nothing was happening.
Eric and I walked all over the city and even encountered other squadmates who were getting blessed with free horse rides, meals, and good conversations.
Why weren’t these things happening for us? Better yet… Why did I feel so entitled to feel like I deserved the epic stories?
It didn’t take me long to realize that my heart was not in the right place from the start. I was seeking after the stories, not even paying mind to what God was trying to speak to me.
Eric and I decided to take a few moments to regroup and pray and see what God wanted for us. Not long after that, we met up with Kaitlyn and Abby who were also feeling a bit discouraged. Abby had her guitar so the four of us found a quiet spot by a nice bridge and had a small time of worship. We quieted ourselves and it was such an energy booster.
After worship, we decided to visit a bus station and sing songs, not with the intention of gaining anything, but just to enjoy ourselves and have conversations with people. That’s when we met Jorge.
Jorge. He smelled like straight up booze and had the personality of Jack Sparrow from The Pirates of the Caribbean. He chuckled at our singing and at one point took Abby’s guitar and started playing tunes to his own song. Kaitlyn and Abby interacted so well with him, but all I could think about was wanting this man to leave.
I sat there, attempting to engage in conversation, but honestly, I did not want to sit there any longer than I needed to.
I was being selfish.
Selfish with my time.
Selfish with my faith.
Selfish with God’s grace.
I stopped for a moment and thought…
These are exactly the kind of people Jesus interacted with.
The outsiders.
The drunks.
Jorge.
Why couldn’t I extend to him the same grace that God so freely extends to me on the daily?
Why did I feel like I was the only one who deserved grace?
What made me any better than Jorge?
Sure… I don’t smell like booze, but I’ve got my dirty rags too. In talking with Jorge, he pointed out my own selfishness without ever once overtly telling me. The Holy Spirit gave me a reality check, and I knew my heart needed to change. I was living a false gospel. A gospel that preached that only people who I considered worthy were worth it. But, boy was I wrong.
I went from wanting to leave Jorge to loving him in my heart, because that’s exactly what Jesus would’ve done. And, that was my job that day – to simply love on a drunk man who just wanted to have a conversation.
By the end of the day, I realized that I didn’t need the epic stories for faith day. I needed to rely on the One who is good, even when it’s not my definition of good. I learned how selfish I’ve been with God’s grace. But, I’m now learning to be that extension of grace to others because I’m just as messed up as my neighbor.
Be encouraged.
Love on someone today.
Selflessness is a lesson and discipline I’m learning daily.
Xo,
Ess
