(The following post is broken down into four main sections and it’s all extremely personal so bare with me as I process…)
The Breakdown
A few days ago, I was sitting on a stool at my kitchen counter trying to find the best way to tell my mom about what I had just found out. With seconds before breaking down, I said, “Me and Eric are not getting back together…” We’ve been broken up for about a month now, but what I was about to tell her would initiate the tears streaming down my face. “He told me he’s moved on… there’s someone else.”
She walked over and met me where I was, face down with my heart fully exposed on my kitchen counter. She embraced me and didn’t say anything for a few seconds. My head was pressed against her chest and the few moments of silence felt so loud and almost deafening. For a person who doesn’t like to cry, I was sobbing. As my mom held me and tried to bring me comfort, she said, “matters of the heart take time…”
The Breakup
I’m not going to lie to you. I’m so excited to leave to South America with my incredible squad in a couple days and begin our official launch tomorrow (WOOT WOOT!), but I’m also hurting and learning to heal.
Let me be real with you.
I always thought my first boyfriend would also be my future husband. I had never dated anyone until I met Eric. I guess I thought because I had waited until I was 21 to actually say yes to a guy (I’ve always been so picky), that it would be something that would last. Don’t good things come to those who wait?
Our relationship was beautiful. It was special. We committed it to the Lord from the very start and it was a leap of faith. After he left for the army, the distance was hard, but not impossible. We were so sure that our glory days were ahead of us and that long distance wouldn’t last forever. There was a period of time when our only communication was through the form of letters and it seemed like an old school type of love. The type where handwritten letters seemed more personal than a text message. The type where you actually had to wait months before you could reunite again. He was not only my boyfriend. He had become my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, we also had our rough times just like every other relationship has, but we made it work.
Our relationship was a good thing.
But, the reality is, even the good things can end. And that’s what happened.
After dating for a little over a year, I was faced with a difficult decision…
Would I obey and say yes to God’s request of asking me to give up my relationship with Eric in exchange for 100% of intimacy with Him during these next 11 months?
Or, would I make every attempt to save something that was not meant to go with me into this next season on the World Race?
When God asks you to give up something so dear to you such as a relationship, you wrestle with Him. You might question Him, over and over. You may even try to convince God to change His mind… because we obviously know what’s best for ourselves. (Not.)
That’s what I did. I wrestled with what God was asking of me for a few months before I obeyed.
Around some time in April, I began to feel a shift in my relationship with Eric. There was nothing wrong necessarily, but I knew that God was beginning to tug at my heart. I remember talking to Eric and telling him about the idea of possibly not dating during my time on the World Race.
At this point, I wasn’t even sure if that was what God was telling me to do, but I just wanted to hear what his thoughts were about the proposition. Eric said that if following God’s plan for my life meant that I had to give him up, then that’s what I needed to do. I appreciated that he was willing to do that, but little did I know that this would actually be happening…
After coming back from training camp in June, I felt God’s tug on my heart stronger than before. Up until then I had set aside the thoughts of breaking up with Eric because things seemed to be fine with us. I didn’t see why God had been asking so much from me.
Long story short, I asked God to not only give me peace about this decision, but also to give Eric peace about it as well. After a few long conversations and prayer, we decided on the night of July 5th, that we would no longer be in a relationship together. We ended it on very good terms.
It was so hard, but I kid you not – I felt such peace in my heart after knowing that I had made the right decision. I chose to say yes to the Lord and completely surrendered everything.
The Healing Process
It’s been about a month now since we broke up.
Up until a few days ago, I was still holding onto the idea that after I came home from the World Race, we’d find each other and get back together, picking up where we left off. But, at the same time, I was so confused and uncertain about my future with Eric.
Was this just for a season? Was I supposed to let go of him completely? Was this just a test of faith? God, are you still listening to me?
I just wanted some more clarity because I didn’t know how to properly go on from here. I’d never experienced a break up.
How do you handle this?!
All I knew what to do was pray. So, I continued to pray for Eric. Everyday. I had told some friends about our break up and they commended me for being so strong and obedient to the Lord. But, I couldn’t see my own strength. I felt so weak.
Did I misread the signs that pointed to a promising future? Could I have done something more? What about the dreams we had of a life together?
This is how I had been processing. These are some of the questions I had been asking God.
This past month, as hard as it’s been, I had been been learning to depend on the Lord in a new way that required a daily surrender of my thoughts and will. I had been clinging to Him and I could feel Him bringing peace in the areas of uncertainty.
—
Then, Monday night Eric texted me and I felt like my heart was ripped out of me.
Reading how he had moved on and there was someone else didn’t even make sense to me. I just don’t understand how someone could move on so quickly.
I called him after I read his text message and it was so hard hearing him explain how he’s been doing well and how he’s now moved on. IT SUCKED. But, I was very calm and I listened. I think praying for him this past month made it somewhat easier for me to bear the news.
Truth is, I’m still hurting, but I’m also healing. I can feel God sewing up the broken pieces of my heart with His love, peace, and joy.
I don’t hold anything against him. Eric was wonderful. And he set the standard extremely high. I won’t ever regret dating him because this past year with him was beautiful and I learned so much. I’m not writing this to speak bad of him in any way. I wish him all the best. He seems to be doing well and I am happy that He’s found himself in a good place with the Lord.
I guess I’m just confused at the moment. And that’s okay.
This is me processing. But, this is also me moving forward.
I wrote this all out because I don’t want to dwell on it longer than I need to. I’m leaving tomorrow to start a new season in my life and God’s made it clear that this relationship was not meant to come with me. I have to be okay with that.
The wounds are still there, but like my mom told me, matters of the heart take time. I know I won’t heal from one day to the next. But, I will choose to love and not withhold bitterness as I move forward.
If you’ve struggled with saying yes to God because you fear it might hurt, I urge you to surrender. Yes, it will most likely hurt. The process will not be glamorous and you will be stretched, but I promise you that God knows what He’s doing. It’s worth it and you will come out stronger. Don’t resist change; embrace it. And, find friends who will walk through it with you and speak life and truth.
My Prayer
Thank you God, for caring enough about both me and Eric to not leave us where we are.
Thank you for bringing clarity, even if it is also accompanied by suffering.
Thank you for granting me enough peace that I can still pray for Eric and not feel anger towards him.
Thank you for giving me enough strength to not withhold bitterness, but instead release love.
Thank you for granting me faith in the times of uncertainty.
Thank you for delighting in me.
Thank you for calling me into a season of complete dependency on You.
Thank you for what You are doing and what You will continue to do.
Thank you God, for being trustworthy
because in You I will choose to believe, even when it hurts.
Amen.
