You know when the pains real? The struggle hurts too bad? The stress is too overwhelming? You know when it’s so bad you can’t even mask it anymore?
My whole life I’ve masked pain. I let things eat me alive and I wasn’t willing to open up about it. Depression and anxiety took root in my life and slowly started taking over. What started as a small seed grew completely out of control. Everything I had worked to cover came to light and I didn’t have control.
Control for me is very important, I like having back up plans and I don’t like faith. I don’t like trusting. I’m a visual learner and I think that plays out into my walk with the Lord a little too much. This trip is such a faith thing and I know this is one area where God is really stretching me, but I’ve been struggling to give Him control over that part of my life.
I spent the last two days staring at the number $13,805 thinking, “what did I just get myself into??” That’s a whole lot of money. Everyone tells me, “God will provide”, and it’s not that I don’t agree with them I just have a hard time with FAITH. As I watch peoples jaws drop when I say I need almost $14,000 I loose a little faith. As I think about the fact that I only have 17 weeks to come up with that money it takes another shot at my faith. As I talk about the small fundraising ideas I have my faith slowly dwindles and soon I’m left with almost no faith. That’s where I was today, staring at the numbers and the deadlines.
This evening at church I was sitting in the service listening with an anxious heart as the words,
For you only, my whole life all for Your glory.
My life is in your hands I trust it all, I trust it all to you.
My dreams and all my plans, I trust it all to you…
You are everything, You are all I need,
I am forever in love with You, forever in love
with you, You are EVERYTHING
rang out and melted my fear away. I got to sit at the feet of Jesus and worship and TRUST it all to Him! He knows the desires of my heart and He’s with me.
So if you’re struggling tonight to have faith, if you’re frustrated and ready to give up, keep this in mind. You’re not alone and it’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to pour out how you’re feeling to God, but once you’ve poured it out at His feet, leave it there. God wants our burdens. Give it up tonight. Find time to just worship Him and walk away trusting Him. So give it up tonight, all of it and just have faith.
