I am months from my launch. The excitement is mounting and my mind is flooded with an overflow of conflicting emotions. I am torn between the peace and clarity that I cling to and the questions, the concerns, and the fear of the unknown.
I've got a good thing going here. I have a job that I really enjoy, I like the people I work with, I am surrounded by great friends and a wonderful family. So what gives? The pragmatic side of me is pretty upset right now. Why would I ever want to quit my job and move away from all that I've known, all that feels safe and live out of a backpack for almost a year? Honestly, it sounds more like a midlife crisis than a careful consideration. I think that 24 might be a bit young for a middleage meltdown so I am constantly telling my practical self to cool it and see what happens.
I am called.
This is how I got to this point. It wasn't about me and it wasn't about my understanding. It was an uprooting and an awakening, yes, but I'm going to tell you how God gave me a little heads up.
Last year, a little before Thanksgiving, there was a conference being held at my church. It was the tail end of the conference and it was one of the last nights. I hadn't actually attended the conference but the evenings were free to join so, on this particular night, I decided to go and check it out. If for nothing else, a little good worship never hurt.
That night, a YWAM leader named Andy Byrd was speaking. He was speaking about Matthew 9:37-38.
Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”
This wasn't a new verse to me. I had heard it many times before and this time was no different.
False.
Andy began talking about the phrase "send out." If you were to look at that verse in the original Greek, the word meaning to "send out" was "Ekballo."
The word "Ekballo" is used in a number of other places, throughout scripture, in ways that might actually surprise you. A few definitions that I've found say things like:
- to cast out, drive out, to send out
- to compel one to depart; to bid one depart, in stern though not violent language
- to lead one forth or away somewhere with a force which he cannot resist
This is where things changed. Ekballo, the same word used when instructing the workers to be sent out, is used in Mark 5 when Jesus casts out the demons known as Legion.
Yep, you heard right. The same word is used when commissioning workers(missionaries) and when casting out demons. This caught my attention.
To me, this meant that receiving a call to do the work of God isn't always pretty or comfortable. It isn't necessarily a gentle nudge like God is saying, "hey, it would be really cool if you would go do this…I mean….if you don't mind."
No.
This is like a sling-shot, kick in the pants, pushed off the deep end, no way around it "GO!"
I had heard of the World Race before, but I remember thinking that I could never do that because it would be too hard and I would have to give up too much. But, in the back of my mind, the World Race sat there, waiting. For almost a year it waited.
After his message, Andy brought up a few young people, about my age, that had been in the mission field recently. They shared some amazing testimonies and really emitted this energy and passion that I think everyone got ahold of that night.
After the sharing, Andy gave a challenge. He told everyone to think of the craziest thing that we wanted to do and had us share it with the person next to us. Immediately, the World Race popped into my head. I hadn't been thinking about it at all but, all of a sudden, it was clear as day and it was the only thought in my head at that moment. I couldn't think or focus on anything else. Then, after counting to 3, Andy had everyone shout "GO DO IT!"
That was pretty heavy.
And that was it. I didn't need any more convincing. God was kicking me out of my safe little bubble and launching me like a little cartoon character. I imagined myself yelling the whole way and fading into the distance just like those cartoons.
That night, I told my parents what I wanted to do. They were surprised but supportive. God was done waiting. I was doing this whether I wanted to or not.
And that, my friends, is how I ended up here. Although the kicking and screaming has lessened, it's still scary. But then again, when God decides to have His way with your life and dropkicks you into the mission field, you really have no choice but to surrender to the fact that you won't know everything, but He does.
I'm going.
