To learn dependence in The Lord is a hard thing. The last couple of months I have learned a little bit about what it means to trust in Him for everything.
I literally cannot finically go on this trip, but He wants me to go, so I sit here wondering where all the funds for everything will come from. Of course they will come from Him, but being the way I am, I don’t like the uncertainty. All my life has been uncertain. I might have made it uncertain, but I still don’t like it.
God brings me into uncertain situations all the time, He knows that I don’t like the feeling, but He puts me there to grow in Him, because it is my weakness.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NIV)
If I could some how just pay for everything I would, but God would never get the glory, He deserves. Right now I am 47% funded, yet I still worry. Now, I’m truly thankful that He has funded almost half of the trip already, and I know in my mind God will provide for me, but do I really feel it in my heart.
A couple months ago, after finding out that I was accepted to go on the race, an obstacle came my way. My friend, whom I was living with, asked that I move out because they were having a child soon and needed the room. I was more than glad to do so, because they were more than generous to provide a house to me when I needed it. But me being me, started to think, “Oh great now how am I going to pay some things off, raise support, while contributing to the race.” Shortly after, the feeling of uncertainty hit me. Now I would have to find a place to live, pay for it, and I literally have nothing: no bed, no dishes, just the clothes and couple things I have. Over the years, I have either given away all my stuff or sold it, because over the last couple years I have left my hometown every summer to do some form of ministry, and it is really hard to store all your stuff, if you have a lot, so I got rid of it.
The last couple of years I have seen God provide for me in many different ways, and He deserves the glory through those, but what have I gotten myself into. I cannot afford to pay for a place, my car, and other debt that I have, while trying to pay for all the other costs that are associated with The World Race. It all began to sink in, it is impossible for me to go. My heart got heavy, and I cried out to God, “Why do You keep putting me into situations where I feel uncertain. I cannot handle all of this right now. I really just want to quit. You handle this.” I don’t cry out to God like this all the time, but I am sure that He would rather me cry out to Him like this, then some prayer that I didn’t mean.
I have learned a lot of lessons throughout the years I have been a follower of Christ.
- God loves me, even if it hurt.
- God chose me
- God has provided for me and I was not thankful for it, yet He still loves me and still provides for me
- I am not the same person I was
- I have been loved more than I could imagine, and I do not even know it yet
- I fail everyday, but in Him I am not a failure
- He uses me to shine His Glory
- There are many others, but I need to end with one more. One of my biggest weaknesses is that I do not trust Him with things that I feel uncertain about, so He uses this to break me.
It hurts to know that I do not trust Him at times. As I wrote that I find myself becoming more broken to the fact that, He wants me to break more for Him everyday, to learn that I need to let go of my reins and give them to Him.
Shortly after crying out to Him, He provided for me, one that I am so thankful for. God provided a family that is so wonderful, that they asked if I wanted to stay with them. When I was thinking about what it would look like if He provided, He provided more. God also has brought some wonderful people along side of me to bring me to a 47% funded!!!
Yes, unceartainty is not fun, but when God shows His Glory it makes it so much easier to go through
My weaknesses will always bring Him glory. The lesson in all of this is that I really need to learn that He will take care of things; I just need to wait for His timing. God says, “I have this, but it will be in My timing.”
