It might have supposed to say “Getting Fired Up”, but no, this is what I feel:
This year for me is paid for. Sort of: I am behind in fundraising. Nevertheless, I have had many generous people help me out along the way. This year I have no “job” job. My job in my mind is to do mission work with the ministry host. So, in the past, when I lived on my own–meaning with one or more roommates– I had to work to pay my share of everything or something had to give. Most of the times, if I needed to take a day off, I would work extra hours on another day to make it up or I would maybe buy less expensive things at the grocery. I would treat myself occasionally, but when I called out, that happened a little less. Anyway, so I was leery of calling out from work too much or taking too much time off of my regular “job” job because living costed me money that I had to work for and I couldn’t get very far without it.
So, all of that to say I have carried over this mindset into ministry. I miss working and earning money. Although, technically, ministry is paid work, I just haven’t directly worked with the money that was raised. The money was raised in faith that I would work for it. But! It makes me scared also to take too much time off. I have noticed I have been sick and getting sicker. My immune system hasn’t let me have a break since week 3 of Guatemala. I am struggling, but I still don’t want to skip too many days. I might get fired. But! By this being my mindset, I am getting worn down quicker and turning a judgemental eye to those who are not plowing through like me. This is where it is dangerous. But today, today I couldn’t get out of bed so quickly. I had to do something else–rest.
I hate resting. Not because God isn’t good or whatever, but I get bored fast and then my thoughts keep me company and I feel like even with rest I have to prove some kind of productivity to validate my being here instead of there. Why am I not getting weller faster? What could I be doing? What in life have I done that I could have done better or differently?
I sometimes get guilty if I am not defaulted to some spiritual thinking. I could be praying for people and look at me schlorfing out snot rockets into a hankie instead. Ugh. God probably laughs at this.
Anyway, I want to leave you with this knowledge that I am learning– STILL learning– how to rest and in the very physical way what that means. I love you guys and thanks for all the prayers. I will pray for you tomorrow. I am resting today.
Whatever that means…
Sincerely, though. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the prayers and the support. I am still needing $1000 before November 21st. Belize is incredible and more on that to come.
