“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things are passed away;behold, all things have become new.” -2 Corinthians5:17
To start off, thank you for eveyone who has been involved in my Race. Thank you for all of the funds and especially all of the prayers. Just to give you a glimpse of what God is doing in my heart, I have to go backwards, and then I’ll go forwards, again.
Rewind to Month 4: China. When we were in China, a teammember of mine gave me a vision. He said that I was standing with a noose around my neck. I was tightening it closer and closer to my throat. Just when I was putting the final strain on it, I slip out, but I caught what was so wrapped around me. It was a lie that has been so much a part of my identity that for forever I thought it was me. I have been praying into the meaning of it for over a month.
Rewind back to Month 1: Thailand. I had a very serious dream in which Jesus was pursuing me through a supermarket. I was avoiding Him. I was hiding from Him. I even checked out and He was there behind the lines of the registers. He was not pushing or trying to get to me. Numb, I run up to Him and give Him a hug, but He doesn’t respond or hug back. I awoke sad. And that set the rest of my day. I cried so much that day. When I tried to explain it to my brand new teammates, they prayed over me. They prayed for chains to break off of me. And most of the chains I asked God to remove, except one.
Fast Forward to Month 5: Swaziland. This month had been very difficult for me, probably not in the ways you would think: I enjoyed my ministry; I loved spending time with the kids; I loved cooking with my squadmates–well, I enjoyed eating with my squadmates. Still though, the spiritual atmosphere in Africa is different than in Asia. I watched as other people were affected so strongly by it. Then the warfare came over me. I felt distrusting of others. I felt that I was unable to connect with people, that I had too many issues. I felt dirty and ashamed to speak out.
The story doesn’t end there. Thank God the story doesn’t end there! Enter the connection of the dots. For however long that I can remember, I have been super insecure. When in relationships, I would get very jealous. I have always put a lot of stock into how I am perceived by others. I always remember being boy crazy. I have an unhealthy interdependence on others.Well, I used to. But why? [Galatians 1:10]
I have always desired human affection. I have desired it to the point that I placed my desire for human affection above the love God has for me. That changes today. I will not place anything before Him. [Exodous 20:3] He has been saying over me so clearly in these last few days “I have loved you with a perfect love. I have loved you with an everlasting love.” [Jeremiah 31:3] It is something that God has been patiently whispering over me for years, all my life. [Psam 139]
His love is more than sufficient for me. I don’t need to seek love in other people. I don’t need for people to give me my identity. I don’t need for people to need me to fill them. I don’t have to be scared of my portion of love to be poured out over something or someone else. I am loved completely and everlastingly. Only by His love can I show love.[1 John 4:19] And it is for His love that I live. I don’t have to be jealous for His love: I have it. I don’t have to be insecure: I am loved perfectly with all of my flaws and misgivings. Even when I am skeptical, He loves me no less. [Romans 8:35-38] [Psalm 139]
There is a popular Tenth Avenue North song which summarizes my feelings: “Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching, as if I am not enough? To where will you go, child? Where can you run? ‘Cause I’ll be by your side, wherever you fall. In the dead of night, whenever you call. Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you…. I , I love you! I want you to know that I, I love you! I’ll never let you go!!…”
“You are Mine.”-Isaiah 43:1
I guess I underestimated the World Race as an environment for healthy spiritual growth. They are always telling us to “release your expectations.” I knew I would see a lot of cool things around the world and witness missions firsthand. And, while I am doing that, God has placed me where I am listening to Him and growing in Him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to be out here. I covet your prayers. I am still short of my final deadline, July 1st. Please give as you feel led. And,again, thank you for sharing in my journey.
