The ball is rolling. I am excited to be going on missions. I am scared to leave the country. I have some bittersweetness about leaving a lot of my family and friends behind. I know that a lot of people are praying for me and I know that I have the support of the people around me. I am feeling adventurous! With just a week to Training Camp and a little over a month to launch, I am waiting to see how it all plays out. Our town is emptying due to the students leaving. I have already given my job a resignation letter for the beginning of June. My teeth are getting worked on this week. Things are in an upswing!
I have been downsizing a lot and have found that I have some attatchment issues. Strangely, more to stuff than to people. Because, let’s face it, I moved a lot as a child. And it’s not a good thing, but it is definitely normal that I will adapt and make new friends, but it took such a long time for me to accumulate all of my junk that I grow attached to trappings.
That sounds ungenerous.
I know that I live in a material nation. Being so prone to a vagabond lifestyle, I have learned to keep rolling with friends. Now that I have had pretty much the same friend base since college, I am satisfied in my friendships. Which, in a way is bad: I am having a hard time connecting with the people with which I will be spending the next year of my life. Maybe my heart is just callous from all of the moving around I did when I was younger. I still feel restless in a place if I have outlived my 2 year run. Ha ha. Seriously. #militarykidproblems.
Really, though. My friend and I hashed out real talk the other day. I struggle a lot with trusting people. It is possible that my struggle to trust people reflects my struggle to trust God. I would say that this isn’t true. I know He holds my future. I know that He has called me to do what I can where I am and that I was created for such a time as this. I keep my car doors unlocked, and I generally tend to give strangers the benefit of the doubt.
Here is the strange thing: I like limiting my friends. I have only a few friends that I am honest and open with, and I even hold back from a few of those. Lord Knows, no one needs to know exactly my every thought, offense, and motive, but it is nice to know that I can trust a few people that I don’t hold back from.
However, with my friends that have shut me out, or grown distant, I suspect that a re-kindled friendship is an ulterior motive. I feel like it is something more transactionary than honest. Not that I don’t just have people that float in and out of my life that I love dearly, but for the most part, I have friends that I keep at arm’s length. Either I don’t trust them, or I don’t trust myself not to hurt them.
Which, some of these insecurities need to go. And they need to go, quickly. I know that some things are choices, and others are processes, but, honey, Ain’t got the time for that right now! Or , perhaps, acknowledging my insecurity is the first step towards growth. I just am so impatient, with people, with circumstances and with myself. I want to have miraculous instant gratification. Maybe what I need is a season of growth. And I need Jesus. Lots of Jesus. And, on that note, I have to pack away a few things.
Well, I hope to have a postive report in my next update! God bless you guys! Thanks for reading!
