So I have been praying for God to send me lots of money and I have been seeking it from people. And I keep feeling like “God, I believe! You can send me the funds now!!” But I will not front anymore. It is not working out. I am really struggling and I realize that I have made this trip bigger than God. I have made it the thing that I am looking to for identity and the answer to the question of what is happening in my life because YES I am a twenty-six year old drop out without a ring on her finger, a degree or a career, and sometimes it is just nice to tell people that I have a next step, that I have a course and a direction. But, in reality, God already has my next step. It is just that it isn’t always tangible. It isn’t like earning a degree or getting wed or having a baby. I DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER for when people ask me what my next step is, and it is frustration.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a people-pleasing personality. I want people to admire me and to be proud of who I am and how far along I am at my age. But I feel really embarrased to tell people that I am just living. I work a ton at a McJob for enough to live off of and eat out when I like. It is very embarrasing how selfish I am. And I feel like it has taken a miracle just for God to open this door even to be considered for the World Race. I feel like this is God calling me to lay my selfishness aside and to humble myself and follow Him. And these past few weeks have been eye-opening for sure. Stressful (when I focus on what I cannot do). And peaceful (when I remember who God is!).
All of that to say: I had thought I was ready to surrender everything to go on this journey. But is God asking me to surrender this journey? Am I clenching it too tightly? Is it even mine to claim?
And tonight, we were praying for miracles to happen all over our City. I am hoping that a miracle can happen in one day for this trip. Because, honestly, if it does not happen, I am not going. Literally, I cannot go.
So I surrender.
“All to Jesus, I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence, daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee, my blessed Saviour, I surrender all.”
