I was lost in my own mind. My feelings were beyond my own understanding. I felt like I couldn’t even figure out what I needed, or wanted, or how to function. It had to end.
It’s funny in retrospect as I think back to our last debrief in India. The former squad leaders and coaches were speaking to us about after the Race, preparing to go home and searching for what’s next. They talked about how the World Race is supposed to take you on a journey through abandonment and brokenness to reach a place of complete dependence on the Lord. I vividly remember sitting there wondering if I had truly reached that place of dependence. There had definitely been times throughout the Race that I had to completely rely on God but had I really reached a place where I find it necessary to be dependent on the Lord? Everyday? Even when I probably could try and fix or control the situation on my own?
Seemingly not.
And I guess God had more in store for my last two months than I thought.
New places to bring me.
I thought I could just begin to operate in the things I had learned over the previous 9 months; have it sort of figured out for the last 60 days.
But, He had other plans.
Silly of me to think otherwise.
I brokedown in the middle of feedback last week. I laid down on the tile floor of the orphanage and barely said anything — I just didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Spent most of the time trying to stop silent tears from dripping down my face.
I was sick of trying to change my thoughts and attitude on my own. Sick of trying, however unsuccessfully, to understand where it’s all coming from. Pretty lost. Can God even sort me out if I can’t? Can He change my heart for this month, this ministry or the Racers I’m around 24/7?
God had to do something.
FIX ME, Lord. Take away this frustration and feeling lost in my own mind. Make me a new heart, HELP me to love like you (beause clearly I can’t do it myself). I NEED you to walk with me step by step. It CAN'T be on my own strength.
Finally I was quiet enough and still enough to hear.
Take my hand, Dania. I’m walking beside you. Lean on me as you need.
You’re only human, you have limits – in knowledge and understanding as well – that’s why I’m here.
It’s hard to love like I do; it’s not as natural to you. That’s why I sent my Son as the perfect example, not you.
Then some lyrics from Frou Frou’s song Let Go came to mind…
Let go, whatcha waiting for? It’s alright cause there’s beauty in the breakdown.
It really is a place of beauty because amidst the breakdown, amidst the confusion and frustration we are forced to turn to the only One who can make a difference. Forced to be dependent on Him since that’s how He designed us.
And leaning on Him makes a BIG difference. Most of the past week I noticed a change. Things are lighter, I don’t get as easily frustrated, I have an extra ounce of patience and grace to give. God has given me just enough energy. I’m not about to shoot someone or lose my cool. I’ve gotten a bit of alone time and had some more fun.
Still not completely sure how to understand what I had been feeling but I try. And I wonder…
If I can get so lost, so quickly while still on the WR then how easily will that happen at home? How fast will I be off track; will I deny God or decide that it can be on my own strength?
Watch out Satan, I’m not giving up the battle that quickly.
Lord,
Intensify my desire to pursue after you.
I want to always believe, and always know, that a place of dependence on you is truly the best place to be. You understand my thoughts more than myself; you know the innermost workings of my heart. Be my shepherd. Be my joy. Be my everything.
Your daughter, Dania.
