Hello!
After quite some time away, I have returned to my blog. I wanted to first apologize to anyone who was reading for being away. I made a commitment to keep up with this at least once a week before launch. I know it has been much longer than a week. Let me explain.
The Race
As my last post explained, I had signed up to run the Long Beach Marathon. I was really excited about it, but what I also knew was that I had severely undertrained. That became evident in the first mile. But I had known that long before.
As I trudged along, I was really enjoying the race. The scenery was beautiful, there were people cheering us on, and I was ready to complete 26.2 miles, no matter what.
Then, at mile 8, I was approached by the "pacer van". Two men in a van pulled up alongside me and told me that I was moving too slow, and that I had to give them my bib number and I wouldn't be allowed to stay on the official race course.
Not allowed?! I paid to run this race, this course has to be open for at least another 5 hours because it's an out and back, and according to my trusty Nike+ app, I was pacing just fine, thank you very much.
I tried to explain to him that my pace was fine and I would make up the difference, it was just that a few of us, who were given the same message, had to wait in line for a uhm….portable restroom….early on in the race, so clearly we fell behind. It amounted to not running for 5-8 minutes, of course that's going to pull down your overall speed.
That didn't matter, he said, rules were rules, and I had to stay on the sidewalk. No official race course for me.
Now this is the pivotal moment. It comes in every story. It's that moment where the person is supposed to choose…quite, or continue.
I would love to tell you that I mustered up my courage and strength, said I didn't care about being an official finisher I was just going to finish, and drug myself across the finish line victorious in my persistence.
That isn't what happened.
Nope.
I quit. Not even officially withdrew, I just quit.
I sat down at the side of the road, cried openly, and…yes…called my mom.
It was a low moment.
After that I had to walk an additional 5 miles in the heat, out of water, until I could get to a road that wasn't shut down so I could be picked up by my family and taken home.
So after that, I felt defeated. I felt like if I couldn't even finish a marathon that was 8 miles away from home without falling apart, how in the world was I going around 11 countries in 11 months!?
"You can't!" Satan whispered. "You'll never make it, this is a sign, just quit."
And so….this is why I haven't been online. I had really quit. Except I could never bring myself to officially withdraw. But I was going to, I said, yes, that was what I needed to do.
But I couldn't get the race out of my head.
I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Push it aside, I thought.
But I couldn't.
So finally, in a moment of utter brokenness and frustration, I sat down on my bed and cried and said "God, if you want me on this race, show me. Give me an undeniable sign. Something I won't miss. Something I can't ignore. And let me know. Please. I just need some guidance here."
Did I already know the answer? Probably.
But the more I prayed this, the more I felt this restlessness. It's a restlessness so completely consuming that it's almost physically uncomfortable. But I kept praying for this sign.
And then, it dawned on me….the restlessness…..the undeniable, unmissable, unignorable restlessness WAS the sign. It was all I needed. God had won. Satan was vanquished. And I knew.
This is what I was born to do.
This is why I am not satisfied with anything "ordinary".
This is why the 9-5 daily grind is dull and unsatisfying to me.
This is why I can't settle down here.
Because I wasn't called to live a "normal" life.
No Christian was.
Christianity in its truest form is not normal. It's radical. Always has been, always will be.
And you know what? I'm ready to get a little radical. Because ordinary isn't cutting it anymore.
Now…as for the race. The one I failed at running. If I could go back, I would have continued on. No matter how long it took. After the race, I found out that I had actually been lied to….I could have stayed on the course….it was still open.
It was a perfect metaphor for life and the world race. As we travel in life, we all have the moment where the pacer van comes up and says just quit. You aren't allowed to go on. You aren't good enough. You aren't going to make it anyway. You've messed up too much, you're too far behind. Just stop. And in that moment, we all have a choice. We can do what I did, and stop at the side of the road, cry, veer off the course, wither, and sulk away feeling defeated. Or we can turn to God in that moment. Also…Satan lies. And we can listen to those lies, or rely on the truth that we know makes sense. God makes sense. His Way makes sense. The lies really don't. But sometimes in our weakest moments, they make just enough sense in our emotional or spiritual weakness to make us say yeah you're right.
What I learned in that race before the race, was what NOT to do. God was showing me my weaknesses, and Satan was trying his hardest to get me to quit. He almost won. But at the end of the day, even in our failures, God can bring out the best. If you learn something from any failure, it's God taking that failure and turning it into a lesson.
Romans 8:28 continues to live out in my life.
So when the pacer van comes to tell you that you should just give up, see it for what it is: a lie. I'm so glad to be back in the game, stronger than ever in Christ, and excited to see what He has in store for me!
Who would have thought that it would be a journey just getting to the journey? 🙂
However, this journey won't be possible without you.
If you feel that the cause is worthy, please donate.
I am still in need of almost all of my $15,500 in order to go…any gift helps.
Please see the Support Me button if you wish to help. If you feel God calling you to support me on this race, I thank you so much for following that call and supporting me.
My squad will be headed to Ireland, Romania, Ukraine, India, Nepal, Thailand, Cambodia, Taiwan, Mozambique, Swaziland and South Africa.
Thank you for helping me get there! 🙂
If you can't afford a financial donation, I assure you that a donation of your time to pray for me and the entire R squad would be so much appreciated and does just as much to help. 🙂
Thank you so much again for reading, for praying, for donating, and for believing in the cause that Christ has for us in these countries.
God Bless you!
Until next time,
Courtney
