(This series of blogs titled "How I 'Missed It' On My Race" is not intended to hurt any feelings. Due to the fact it is broken up into parts, the challenges may seem to overcast the victories, but I guarantee the end results will astound you. I love each person mentioned in this blog wholeheartedly and would gladly lay down my life for ANY of them.)
I often hear the phrase, "I missed it." On my Race I feel that phrase came to life. It still does.
It's not that I didn't try. I tried too hard. I didn't try as hard to make true friends as I attempted to just make people like me. I joined the FB group for my squad and immediately started reaching out for connections…I reached so hard I am sure I pulled a muscle or two. I pulled my spiritual muscles out of whack and I'm still trying to recover from those self-inflicted injuries.
I set up group and individual Skypes, joined existing group Skypes, had a group of about a dozen squad mates over for New Year's, met up with as many squad mates as I could at various places in various cities and states, blasted my squad with YouTube videos encouraging them with prayer and ridiculous attempts at seeking affirmation for myself through the approval that I often got through their thanks for what I was doing…For my "thoughtfulness."
If only they'd known then…If I'D known then…things could have turned out differently.
I missed it Pre-Training Camp.
FAST FORWARD: Now this isn't one of those regrets of I wish I could turn back the hands of time and change what I did so that I'd leave my Race with genuine friendships. Those days are dead and gone and the guy that stood in my place is being put a little more and more to death each day. I wish I could just kill him off with one big swoop, but he has gone through countless years of building up defenses that at first were impenetrable.
The good thing is that now the walls are coming down even though he tries to rebuild as fast as I tear them down. The good thing is that the words, thoughts, and actions done to harm him haven't completely kept him from experiencing the Father's love in the little things. The good thing is that despite an opposition to authority, a false necessity for affirmation from people around him, and a taste for the World like a connoisseur of fine wines, that he yearns for change deep down in his spirit.
The great thing is he is changing. I. Am. Changing.
It's definitely been a slow process. Baby steps. Home still brings a new set of struggles, but I keep pressing in and fighting like crazy to take back what the enemy has stolen and to reclaim territory for myself, my family, my friends, and my God!
REWIND: I had close to 20 squad mates meet up at my house a day or two before we caravanned to Training Camp. I arrived decked out in a blue morph suit, with a blue Mohawk wig, blue shutter sunglasses, blue megaphone, blue necklace, wearing all blue clothes over the morph suit, driving a blue van with blue writing all over it. I fought so hard for people to love me that I forgot to fight to ACTUALLY love people and seek out the Lord in those connections.
I missed it at Training Camp.
FAST FORWARD: I was referred to as Avatar by my squad parents for a good bit of my Race, until one day they said they didn't see that guy anymore and started calling me Chuck accepting that I'd stepped into my identity. I guess I did a good job of fooling people, because "Avatar" was still very much alive in my falseness. I still desired that affirmation from people. I still struggled with respecting leadership.
REWIND: My first team was chosen at Training Camp. I was all but thrilled aside from the fact that I was on a team with one girl I could see being a lot like me as far as the out of the ordinary, extroverted, in your face personality that I thrived off of. She ended up deciding not to do the Race and I was left with a group of people I wanted nothing to do with. My leader was very young, two of my teammates were older by a handful of years, one I considered a good friend but was scared as hell of being on a team with her, and the other showed up to Training Camp just as blue as I was but I wanted nothing to do with her. I wanted nothing to do with them, however I put on a happy face and did my best to enjoy our "Make a Memory." If you were on my first team, please don't take offense and please keep reading.
Months 1, 2, and 3 were difficult in Europe. Not because it was Europe…I LOVED that fact! It's that we did extreme feedback every night for almost an entire month before we realized that we weren't required to give everyone feedback every day and were constantly bickering about things. Hahaha! It was great! Our feedback sessions took hours!! It pushed us and challenged us in ways that never happened again for me on the Race. It hurt most of the time hearing the things people said, but growing pains hurt as well as surgery. Pain is a necessity to growth and healing.
We named our team Fire, Glory, Freedom and we definitely stayed in the Fire the entire 3 months. It was terrible. It was great! Believe it or not, I miss them.
I poured my heart into the work we were there to do. I love manual labor, working with my hands, seeing the accomplishments of my efforts. Those contacts want me to come back. I'd like to say it's because they saw the Father in me. It feels like it's just because I'm a hard worker, but I believe they saw my spirit and the desire my spirit has to change the world for the benefit of the Kingdom. The benefit of the Father.
Unfortunately, I still missed it during my first 3 months with my first team.
In Romania we had our first team changes. I was placed on a team we dubbed Team Pursuit. It was going to be a time to pursue the Father like never before, both individually and as a team. It was a time to pursue one another and our contacts as the Father also pursues us. Five months spent in Africa and South Asia with this team was time I wasted. I pursued a lot, but it happened to be the pursuit of the Flesh, through seeking out affirmation through people, being unappreciative of a squad leader and intentionally defying his every word, and allowing my old self to shine brighter than before.
I was the lone single guy on the team and had a hard time connecting with my team. I typically ended up with my own bedroom which left me alone most of the time, listening to the lies of the enemy that told me I was unloved, unappreciated, undesirable, unreachable, and more.
I tried to do special things for my team. I tried to break free from the bondage I was trapped in from the harm my past had force-fed me. I tried to spend time with the Lord, but I was often drawn to watch a movie, take a nap, or play games on my phone during most of my downtime.
I missed it again during months 4-8 of my Race with my second team.
Thailand offered something I'd never had to walk through before. I had to spend a month living with a large group of men. For those of you who don't know me or my story, I have had a difficult time allowing men to be a part of my life with the excuse that I was molested by a guy as a child and wanted to protect myself from then on. I was ready to give these guys an opportunity I'd been unwilling to give any guy since 6 years old until then at age 28. Instead of community that month, I felt disconnection. I felt lonely. I felt betrayed. I felt…fragile.
I hated that feeling so I set off on bike rides through the city dodging and weaving through traffic without a care in the world. It was pretty dangerous I suppose, but it was my release. It was my time with Abba Father. He promised me rest at the end of each bike ride. Then one day I was told I couldn't go on my bike rides anymore by the squad leader I'd struggled with since day one. I told him it was unfair. I told him pretty much everything that was on my mind. He told me some things too. We both hurt one another with the things we said that day.
I worked my butt off that month as well as a good many of the guys. That month was very demanding. Some things happened that left us up a creek without a paddle or a boat and we ended up having to leave our ministry a few days early. This wounded me deeper. I set off to Facebook and let people know exactly how I felt. I made some poor choices in what I said, but took the status down only a few hours after posting it.
The wounds month 9 left me with caused me to doubt the Father, doubt men again, and doubt myself.
I missed it in Thailand on month 9.
To be continued…
(Stay tuned. Part 2 of 4 is on it's way. It explains more of the wounds, how I missed it on the rest of my Race and after the Race, as well as my steps towards victory, how God has redeemed some things since my Race and how He continues to carry me through my failures while reassuring me I have what it takes to be the man of God He has called me to be.)
