As we moved to a remote village (which wasn't actually that remote) near Ubon-Ratchathani, Thailand today, I spent the better part of the truck ride enjoying the scenery, the breeze, and the beautiful skies. We were two Americans and three Thai youths loaded up in the truck bed with our teams' bags and a whole bunch of paint supplies. And most of that ride was, peaceful as the world was around us, juxtaposed by a wrestling match with God going in my heart. Here's why:
Backtrack a few days. Recent events at the debrief in Bangkok have made me question my ability to hear, much less discern God's voice. I have also been utterly confused and frustrated in believing that the Father wants to bless me and show me favor, even as His adopted son. Hold on…
Backtrack EVEN further. The majority of my teenage and adult life thus far has been accompanied by the lie that the Father, for everyone else, gives and takes away. That He blesses them, shows them favor, works all things together for their good. That he honors the desires of their heart as they delight in Him. But for Chip Carnes, He is the Father who ONLY takes away. That He only has suffering planned for me, that any desire I have will be consequently taken away, just because it is my desire. These lies were brought on by instances of dreams that fell apart and desires of my heart that crumbled before me. And this has led me to shut down my desire in a stoic nature, as a defense against such agony, in order to avoid pain, anguish.
Fast forward, but not entirely (does this feel like the movie Inception yet?). I had felt it pressed upon me recently to address these issues, to confront these lies, and to humbly enter a place of receiving God's love, of choosing to believe that He wants to bless me, His son, and show me favor. Major challenges for me.
And so, a curveball is thrown in my path. A desire of my heart shot down, crashed and burned. It was based upon something I had felt God speak to me over training camp. And yet again, a desire of my heart – crumbling before me.
- Did I miss something?
- Did I hear you completely wrong, God?
- Did I even hear you at all?
Actually. That's a nice breakdown of my throught process. It probably occurred more like:
"WHAT THE FRICK, GOD?"
When God spoke to me a training camp, and when He planted a desire on my heart (or so I thought), it came as a surprise! Landed upon me, gave me hope, gave me something to strive for, to dream for again. But I never asked for it. Shoot. I was plain defeated before.
I didn't even think to ask for something so huge, so wonderful. How could I even imagine or dream of a blessing so great.
So when this new information crossed my path at debrief, I began to again doubt whether the Father ACTUALLY wants to bless me and show me favor, because it doesn't look like it at the moment, or at least that's all my confused mental state can conjure up.
Fast forward to today. (Whew! Aren't you glad we are back to the present?)
As we arrived and began to paint the church, I was able to spend time searching out God, looking for wisdom and understanding. Looking for an oasis of hope in my current spiritual desert.
Nothing.
But this afternoon, the pastor brings a man to us with vision and hearing ailments, and asks us to pray over him. We pray together. I start to close the prayer, which frequently happens in the position of team leadership. But this time, I feel moved in it. And my heart pours out for this man, pleading before God for healing, mercy, compassion, restoration; for God's light to shine upon him and out into the village, that the people may delight in God and give Him glory. I am crying, literally, before God, my team, and team Found and Free (Steven Gnerlich's team).
Here's the end to this story: today I learned that a broken heart is much more likely to reach out to another heart in compassion.
- Was he healed? I'm not sure.
- Am I bothered that he wasn't, when I was praying so fervently? Not really. I trust God enough to take care of that man.
- Do I trust God to take care of me and lovingly provide for the desire of my heart? I'm not sure yet.
But, I know God and His heart a little bit better today.
Baby steps.
And maybe, hope will arise, God will show up, and I will find some sense of understanding. It is not my place to question His will or His plans. And I choose not to fight Him in moments like this. I learned that lesson long ago.
I am weak in my identity. I am more unsure of my heart than ever before, in relation to God's plans. But I am thankful to process with wonderful teammates and squad mates.
Today, that's enough. Tomorrow – well, pray that God gives me hope for a good future. I need it.
