With those previously asked questions left unanswered, I came to realize that as I was writing to all of you, I wasn't really completely sure how to answer them (but I'll do my best). In all seriousness, when I came home from squad leading in late January, life was really difficult for a while. It was the first time I had to really experience re-entry because I didn't have any immediate plans that were set in stone. It was the first time that I really had to sit down and process the warp-speed velocity/colossal amount of growth that God had walked me through since starting this crazy journey in January of 2010. The hardest part about it, however, was coming to realize that I did not know what it meant to be saved.
Now I can imagine that your brain is buzzing with questions (and quite possibly some serious confusion) and I don't know if how I explain myself will be exactly what you're hoping to hear. The thing is, I had really been questioning why I didn't know (and believe) more about the truth of the Gospel even before I had come home. It was hard to admit that Jesus was not as alive in me as I thought because I was not accepting the Gospel as truth in my life. It was even harder to fall before the Lord without feeling extremely ashamed of myself. It was perplexing and stretching to think that I had always known that Jesus saved me but I had never really absorbed the Grace of the Cross. I was so passionate about disciplines, giftings, passion, identity and life speaking, but I barely had intimacy with the source. The Gospel Truth was alive in me in certain things, but I was a child who knew jack-diddly about what it really meant to be flattened out by true belief in the ultimate act of Grace. I guess the best way to put it is that I was a believer who barely believed in anything Jesus did.
It has taken me a few months since then to really be ok with telling anyone about this. To admit that my Salvation was secure but the acceptance part was hanging by a thread is something I assumed I should stay silent about. I built up a huge fear of embarrassment and condemnation in my head that really paralyzed me from interacting to any great extent with anyone. It really was hard, at first, but I knew that only good could come from actually getting to know Jesus more than I ever had. Really, I knew that something great was coming and I was continuing to walk in steps that were not filled with Jesus. But as time continued to roll by, my heart began to change into one of bare belief to one of absolute hunger for the fullness of Him.
And man, let me tell you, this Righteous hunger is growling in every inch of my being.
