Wounds that I didn’t even know existed have been buried so deeply and tightly inside were revealed to me while at training camp. Feelings of rejection and worthlessness have helped form me into the person that I am today. I felt that I somehow had to be the best at whatever I was doing, from competing for the best grades in school to attaining leadership in my church youth group. I thought, “Maybe now people will notice me and appreciate me because of what I’ve accomplished.” I did receive some accolades for successes, but it was never enough. Eventually, I reached the point where I realized that people’s approval would not help me in my need for self-worth. What’s further, I had been taught in church that Jesus loves me, but I couldn’t accept that He would love me as I was. I was far less than perfect and felt so different from the rest of the world around me. I felt unworthy of having the Son of God to love me so much that He would willingly give up His own life so that I could be with Him for eternity. In an effort to earn God’s approval and worthiness, I tried to be the perfect Christian, beating myself up every time I fell short of perfection. That was, until this week…
I have felt God working on me daily since the start of training. He revealed bits and pieces to me on the days leading up to Tuesday afternoon. I’m calling Tuesday afternoon a defining moment in my life. On that day I carried a single log with the word “INDEPENDENCE” written on it. This log represented the very thing that God had called me to surrender to Him. What was once considered an admirable trait had become a huge hindrance in my life in my relationship with my husband, and, more importantly, in my relationship with the Lord. If my marriage and even my World Race team were to succeed, God revealed that I needed to let go of my self-reliance and yield control and trust to Him. For too long, my goal was to please people by my own faculties in an effort to gain approval and appreciation. If something about me or something I had done was less than perfect in others’ eyes, then I would try harder. The same applied in my relationship with God. No amount of reading the Bible, praying, or serving at church was enough for me to feel worthy of being called His child. Thus, my independence had to go. Tuesday afternoon I carried that log through a beautiful trail around the water, lined with trees showing off their array of fall colors. With each step, the courage of ridding what the log symbolized grew. I reached what I thought was the end of the trail only to find that I had a steep incline that I needed to climb with my log in hand. It is at this point that the log became a huge hindrance in my ascension. I reached the top of the climb and find that there is yet another hike to make with the log getting heavier and more burdensome in my arms. Sweaty and dirty, I reach the makeshift cross at the top of the hill and place my log at the foot. I see others’ logs that had been surrendered also at the base on the cross. I sat near that wonderful cross and reflected on what I had just done. I had given up my means of survival on my own. I was committing myself to allow God to love me for me, and not because of anything I can do on my own. Also, I was relinquishing the rebellion of submitting to my husband. I placed that log at the cross knowing full well that I am going to have to place that log at the foot of the cross everyday for the rest of my life. I left that log there and picked up one that had been placed by a fellow teammate and carried it back to our campsite, symbolizing that I will help others in their own commitment of surrender. I felt so free on that hike back down the hill. I know that the road ahead will still hold its share of struggles and challenges, but my dependence is no longer on myself. I can trust in my husband, my teammates, and in God. Now, Lord, show me where to go from here…
