I’ve just never have.
For 3 and a half years I’ve been walking with Christ and ever since then, I knew who He was. I knew what He was bringing me out of. And I knew the freedom I was going to be able to step into.
I’ve always had a goofy personality.
I don’t even understand half the stuff I say. I like the color orange way too much. I like to run in circles for over 15 minutes trying to get a rescue dog to chase me to find who he is as a puppy.
I know who I am in Christ.
A goofy, free-spirited, positive, faith-filled daughter who does all that she wants in this life that will glorify Christ.
Until last month I never let that come into question.
We sat down with our host for some feedback. And I got some valid feedback, but the only words I seemed to take out of it were “childish and immature.”
So as with all feedback, I took it to the Lord.
Where I broke down. “God…if this is something I need to change, let me know. Maybe the things I do are childish and immature, maybe I do need to change.”
As I sat with God, I knew in my spirit these things that I was questioning and asking about, were lies. But there was still a part of me that was wondered if there was any validity.
As my week continued, anything I would say to a team mate in “Cassidy manner” I would instantly just shut off and retreat into my mind and start questioning, “is this something I need to change about myself?”
I have never, ever struggled or dealt with this before. And it was killing me inside.
I think the worst part, is that I was making this mess. I was feeding the fire.
The Lord each time was telling me that I was perfect in Him, and that I already know who I am in Him, and I knew that, but it’s like I was creating something to have troubles in.
I sat down with my team leader, Anna, while we were still in Thailand and told her about how I’m feeling with all this. And I just cried. I let it all out.
And she said, “What if all that you are thinking about changing, and struggling with are things that the Lord has equipped you with so that you can do His will for your life? Like with your high school girls, that’s your passion, right? What if what you’re thinking about changing is the thing that helps you connect with them?”
Dang Anna, dang.
So we leave Thailand, and go to Siem Reap, Cambodia to meet up with the rest of our squad for a Leadership Development Weekend.
Where I stood among 37 of my squad mates, still so unsure of who I was, if all the things I said and did were annoying, childish, immature… if they should be changed.
I knew deep down they shouldn’t be. I knew who I was in Christ. But I, myself, was questioning God.
What a stupid thing to do.
I’d been slowly learning a lot about our authority in Christ, to speak things out in the moment, against things in Jesus’ name. All the things.
And one night one of our squad leaders, Austin, shared his heart a bit with this, and we were just so on the same page. We have the authority to speak up, because Christ has given us that authority.
Fast forward two nights,
We had squad worship our last evening.
Abel led us and the first song we sang got me.
The Lord likes to do things like this.
As many times as I’ve heard it, we sang,
Here’s my heart Lord. Here’s my heart Lord. Speak what is true
Man, did that break me.
Speak what is true.
I stood there. My arms lifted. Tears rolling down my face. My hands and lip shaking.
Lord, God, I am so sorry. No one but you and those who know you and have you and are letting you speak through them will ever have any kind of authority to speak into my life again. God I know You. Therefore I know who I am.
I am a quirky, tattooed daughter of the King who loves rap, indie rock, and worship music and walks with confidence in who she is and has a desire to see people who are lost and broken come to find healing through Jesus Christ.
I understand if you don’t get it, because I didn’t get it at one point, but now I do, and I am going to spend the rest of my time here on earth sharing my life with people so they can get it too.
For 2 weeks I struggled with my identity.
But I’m done with that now, and will never go back there.
