Here’s my heart
The good.
The bad.
The ugly.
The broken.
The hurt.
The shattered.
The mending.
Here it is. Exposed. Vulnerable.
A thing I’m learning is that one of the only ways to heal is to be exposed and vulnerable.
To show your wounds.
To show your heart.
So, here’s my heart.
The thing is I wasn’t even aware of some wounds until 7 months ago. Until a night I tried to forget about got brought up. A night from 3 1/2 years ago.
“Cassidy, that’s not a drunk hook up, you said no, that’s not ok.”
A shrug of the shoulders, roll of the eyes and on I went.
But that echoed in my head.
A month later I went to training camp for the world race.
Our women’s weekend we spend an evening taking about shame.
Basically guilt is ok and shame is unwelcome.
Guilt is referring to what we did, whereas shame is referring to us as a person. So when we say, ” what I did was really crappy,” that is guilt. When we say, “I am a really crappy person because of that,” that is shame, and that is unwelcome here.
And there was that comment echoing in my head and God standing there with me.
We were given 45 minutes to go sit with the Lord then meet back with our squad and we’d break into groups and share things.
God kept saying share this. Share this. How could I share what I didn’t even understand yet?! NO GOD!
We met up, I shared something else and felt good. Until God popped back in. I decided it was time to stop shoving God down with my emotions.
I sat on the ground with 6 girls I hardly knew, and I said through tears, here’s my heart.
I told them the story of how I drank too much, said no and woke up realizing it happened anyway. No wasn’t no. And then shame entered.
I told my boyfriend at the time.
“How could you do this to us?! This is all your fault!”
For three years I believed that.
Those words echoed in my head.
Until that lie was broken at training camp, and someone sat down with me and said, “Cassidy… you were raped.”
Hearing those words for the first time will do you in and break you down.
But when they’re followed with, “how can we come along side you in this?” You realize… God’s not done with me yet…
My heart.
How’s my heart?
A little beaten.
Kinda broken
Hurting.
But healing.
Because I entered into this race knowing God had greater plans for me. Knowing He had healing. I didn’t know how different from my own plan it would be, but His is greater.
I realized for myself you must be open and vulnerable with others to grow and heal. Then He will probably call you into even deeper places of vulnerability. Uncomfortable, very needed vulnerability. And when you trust in that place, even if it takes you a month or so to listen and to tell your parents, you will see how healing comes, and how God works through that. And that is the word of my testimony that I’m now able to share.
I’m at a place where I can share this now and where I can say no means no, no matter what state of mind you were in. It isn’t your fault. It will never be your fault. God sees you as His son Jesus, sinless and pure. It’s good and ok to take time to heal and to take space for that. But be real about it. Share your heart.
In no way am I totally healed or even close. I see how this is going to glorify God, healing will come with each season. Until then I will share his goodness through my life and through my mess.
