Journal Entry
DAY 161: THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 2017
(alarm clock)
“I remember when I called Your name
there I knew I’d never be the same
Love came rushing to this heart of mine
like You’d waited for this all my life”
7am already!? I thought. 5 more minutes.
**7:05am
**hit the silent button on phone
I. don’t. want. to. wake. up! What am I even doing here? I’m literally teaching girls English that have no care in the world for me to be there. What good is it doing teaching them how to pronounce words? I know people who’ve spoken English as their second language for 20 years and still don’t pronounce words correctly. I understand them, though. All the girls do is mock me and laugh. What’s the point?
Grumpiness is a fitting way to describe my mood waking up this morning. I thought today would be just like any other day here in Thailand: lead bible study 1-2pm, 2-3pm music class, 3-4pm teach English, 6-7pm teach English again, amongst other morning errands. This has for sure not been my favorite month. In fact, I’m eager to be in Nicaragua next month. Too little was my human mind to realize all that God would be doing through me in just several hours later.
I stayed awake until 4am last night trying to finish writing a message for the boys detention center we would be speaking at this morning, and at this point I was starting to regret it. No wonder I was so tired. Yesterday our ministry host also told us these boys are a bit rude; they tend to talk much of the time someone is trying to give a message. All of these empty thoughts ran through my mind this morning and quite frankly it created zero motivation for wanting to participate in the outreach. But as we were heading towards the detention center, I began to get nervous. I wasn’t really sure why. Talking in front of people I’d done before. In fact, last month several opportunities came up for me to give a short Word in front of 400 students. No, that wasn’t it. In Lesotho I’d been to a prison twice. That wasn’t it either. I wasn’t sure what was causing the nervousness, but I couldn’t seem to shake it.
Once we got there, there were about 50 boys in Boy Scout uniforms and 15 girls sitting cross-legged on mats on the floor. They were between the ages of 15-18 awaiting trial for their crimes. Some of them were there for stealing or drugs, and others for attempted murder; though we didn’t know who did what. That didn’t matter anyway. All I saw were teenagers just like I once was. They’re all looking for something but aren’t quite sure what it is.
Our program at the center was scheduled for 2 hours. After introducing ourselves we started off by breaking the ice playing a balloon game with them. Each of us tied a balloon to our ankles and had to pop one another’s balloon with our feet. The last one with their balloon not popped wins. Towards the end of the game I’m pretty sure the boys were using their Boy Scout pins to pop the balloons but no one got hurt—that’s all I was worried about. Then Hana Beth, my team leader, shared her testimony. All the while the boys were talking and goofing off. Our ministry host was right; they do talk a lot. The more they talked the more nervous I became.
My message is like 30-45 minutes long. It doesn’t require much interactiveness. How am I ever going to control them? How will they ever listen! I’m going to look like an idiot up there. That’s what the enemy was trying to tell me.
Then Kate went up and presented a visual Gospel message. They listened a little better, but the closer I got to speaking the more nervous I continued to get.
Father, you are the God of all things. In this moment can you give me supernatural peace.
“…now please listen to my friend Carmen as she gives her message,” Kate said as she finished.
Alright, here we go.
“Today, I’ll be speaking to you from Luke 15 in the New Testament. It’s a story about a father and his two sons…”
My message was on the Prodigal Son and how the father was watching out for his son’s return home with open arms. The father didn’t look at what his son had done with the inheritance he had given him. He didn’t look at his past wayward life. All he cared about was his son coming home to have a relationship with him to be filled up. I told that parable in relation to my own life. So much emotion rushed through me as I was speaking—something that had never really happened before. It was the first time it felt really real. The first time I really meant it. I truly believed what I was saying because my own life was a living witness of scripture. The students didn’t seem to be speaking much. I just saw a whole lot of eyeballs staring straight at me. I noticed one boy in particular that never lost eye contact; He looked about 17, was covered in tattoos, and had holes in his ears as if he’d had gages.
Those 30-something-odd minutes went by faster than anything. Before I knew it our translator, Tony, pointed at his wrist to notion we had five minutes left. I hadn’t even got to the older son in the parable yet. I was almost done. Just one more thing. Whoever gave the message was asked to do an alter call—something I’d never done before. So I began with how the Father had called the prodigal son home, “…and just like him, He’s also calling you home. He’s waiting for you; looking out for your return. He wants to celebrate with you and for you to know His love. He wants to give you joy. If you believe in Him—that He died on the cross for our sins and rose from the dead so that we may live—and you would like to receive Him into your heart, please raise your hand.” No one raised their hand.
That’s okay. At least God was able to use me to plant seeds.
Then our Tony, our translator, talked to them in Thai. After several minutes one of the boys came up—one of the one’s that had been talking and goofing off. Then another boy came up, and soon 14 of them were standing beside me, including the boy covered in tattoos that I’d felt looking at me resonating with the words God was speaking through me. I was able to lead them in praying for salvation. Whether they all sincerely and truly meant it in their heart, I don’t know. But we were able to give each of them Bibles, and I do believe some of them truly accepted Christ and that we have new brothers and sisters in Him.
Sometimes we wake up in the morning grumpy thinking it’s just another day, but we forget all that God can use us every day. We need to realize that no day is an ordinary day. God will use us. We just need to step out of comfort and into faith; To see and listen just like I should’ve listened to the depths of my alarm clock lyrics this morning. Though this morning they just sounded like words ringing in my ears telling me to wake up, this afternoon they’re life changing to 14 boys and girls. They’re no longer empty words waking me up, but they’re life awakening.
“I remember when I called Your name
there I knew I’d never be the same
Love came rushing to this heart of mine
like You’d waited for this all my life”
