Confession: I cannot tell you how MANY times I have opened my World Race blog with every intension of writing in it and then close it as quickly as I opened it. Even worse, I sit at my computer contemplating writing my first blog, only to walk away within a few seconds.
Why?
Fear. Anxiety.
Everyday I have to ask Jesus to give me words. The right words. Biblical words. Helpful words. Wise words. Honest words. The tongue is like a rudder to a ship, so small yet has the power to steer you in so many directions.
I do not think it is the direction my words will take me that I fear, but rather the possibility of running into another ship. I am a people pleaser at almost any cost. I fear getting personal, because personal means you have to get real, which means the likelihood of confrontation and disagreement increases exponentially.
If not running into another ship, than running into a gate, something closed off, being denied, closed off, turned down.
When I think about traveling around the world for 11 months with people I am yet to meet, living out of a backpack, and surrendering myself to God in this way I am excited, exuberant, thrilled. But when it comes to making a phone call to my pastor whom I have known most of my life and asking how the church can support me in this mission I freeze up.
Confession #2: It took me weeks to make that call.
Apparently I am not good at asking for help either.
This summer I have been reading A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller. This morning a read a chapter that was all about asking in prayer. John 14:13-14: 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you aska] anything in My name, I will do it.
Through this fund raising process, the Lord as opened my eyes to a few of my weaknesses I was not even aware of, and has been teaching me how to rely on him for all things. I have to relearn how to ask. I have to relearn how to use my words. But, I do not have to do it alone. I have a great teacher, whose name is Christ, who is providing for me.
Lord, I ask for your words to flow from my lips. I ask for the courage to say them. I ask for the funds to spread them to all nations.
