Month 8 of the race my team, RITz, and I had the awesome opportunity to be in Rio Azul, San Jose, Costa Rica, a community that developed on what used to be an old landfill. Serving alongside our hosts, Angie and Dave, and our pastor, Gilbert, we spent the majority of our month completely tearing down an existing house and building a new home for an elderly man named Evaristo.
Our days were filled from 8am – 5pm with intense construction. Tasks ranged from mixing cement, to drilling beams together for the walls, to cutting metal slats for the roof and walls; basically whatever needed done, we were put to work doing. Most days we were blessed to have a few local community members take the time out of their days to help us and do things we weren’t equipped to do.
About 2 weeks into the month, not used to the amount of physical labor we were putting in, I found myself stretched thin. I struggled with the long days, constant community, and pouring into the people of Rio Azul. I was exhausted and grasped at straws for a tiny bit more: more energy, more purpose, more strength, more, more, more. But I kept coming up short. Days continued like this until I was left feeling empty, lost, and confused at this sudden shift in my heart and mind. No matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t enough.
The enemy found a weakness and utilized the foothold to his benefit. Already drained, I was tired of fighting. I let my guard down and took a few good, hard hits, leaving me down for the count. He had wounded me far deeper than the physical bruises and gashes I had from construction. These spiritual wounds felt more permanent.
I took my eyes off of God for an instant and ended up huddled in the fetal position, clutching at my freshly inflicted wounds. I stopped looking to Him for anything I needed. Instead of turning to God to lift me back up and put me back together, I tried to save myself. But that task seemed daunting and hopeless and, to be honest, I was done. My pride was hurt; things weren’t going like I had thought and I was embarrassed that I couldn’t hold it all together. I wanted to go home and be finished with my world race journey.
Inside and out,
I was bruised.
I was bleeding.
I was broken.
But that still, small voice inside me whispered,
“Seek me.”
Suddenly, I recognized this familiar dark, painful place. I recognized this hurt; I’d been here before many times. I’d been subject to the attack of the enemy for much of my life, because I was unguarded. I had been defeated before. I turned to things of the world to numb my pain and temporarily bandage my wounds.
This time around wasn’t any different, except the country I was in. I looked to praise and affirmations from those around me to bandage the wounds and fill the emptiness. I had run from God again and tried to find alternatives to “fix” myself.
He continued to insist,
“Seek me.”
It wasn’t until I gave up everything, all the pain, lies, exhaustion, to God that he was able to pick me back up and heal my wounds. He has been gracious and gentle with me as I continue to learn to seek him in all things. He carried me through the remaining time in Costa Rica and it was one of the most beautiful, fulfilling months that I’ve had on the race.
God watches from the sidelines in heart wrenching pain as we deny him the opportunity to be our all. He wants to equip us to fight before ever experiencing the hit; He wants to tend to, and heal the wounds we experience.
The race has been a journey of intense trust, faith, and dependence and I’m grateful for the opportunity to be learning and growing in intimacy with God. As it will be for the entirety of my life, I’m learning how to trust God more fully and come to him completely surrendered with all I am. Costa Rica was an incredible month for me. I am so thankful for the growth God did in my heart and for the relationships He gave me.
Please be in prayer for the people in Rio Azul, to have their eyes and ears opened to the truth. Also be in prayer for Faro de Esperanza, the church we worked with, that they will continue to be as their name says, a lighthouse of hope to the people.
My team and I are currently finishing up month 9 in Jamaica before we head out shortly for month 10 in Haiti. Thank you all for you continued prayers and your outpouring of love.
