Disclaimer: It has taken me weeks to come up with what I feel most accurately describes my experience at training camp, but just be reminded that your view of my life and experiences is extremely limited. There is no way for me to ever fully explain the emotional, spiritual, and physical hurdles I conquered to anyone, even to those that were at training camp with me. No two people have the same experience and it is impossible to entirely grasp the experience of another. Although you are unable to understand the transformation to the full extent I experienced, I pray that this ignites a desire within you for more, in whatever direction God chooses. (Because I don’t want to give too many details and spoil training camp for anyone frantically searching for answers, I’ll be brief in a lot of areas)
Growing up, the word perfectionist was always synonymous with me; if it wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t good enough (even in an imperfect world). The perfectionist mindset grew stronger and slowly seeped into every area of my life. I found myself inadequate in not only school, but also my faith and my relationships with everyone in my life. I was caught up in being liked by absolutely everyone; any inkling of disapproval and my world would come crashing down. I was competing with myself. I’d see others doing things better and took that as my cue to do better. Comparison overtook my life; no matter what I did there was someone better and I was never enough. My faith followed suit. It seemed like everyone around me was a “better christian” and that meant I wasn’t good enough to have a solid relationship with God. My problems seemed so inconsequential – why would I bother God with things that meant nothing, why should He care? I put Him in a box because I didn’t think I was worth it. My life was void of any relationship with God. I went through the motions, still strongly invested in my faith but I never sought out a relationship with God. After telling myself day in and day out that I wasn’t enough and I’d never be enough, I gave up. I stopped putting forth any effort because if there were always going to be people better than me then there wasn’t any point in trying.
In the few years prior to training camp, I’d gotten really good at sitting still. My days consisted of school, work, a few groups I was involved in on campus (same as the past four years) and not much else. I was stuck.
June 8th I flew out of Philadelphia, PA into Atlanta, GA by myself. From the airport, AIM had a bus come to pick up the world racers that had flown to take them to Gainesville, GA for training. On the almost 2 hour bus ride, I sat, sweaty and uncomfortable, listening to people on my squad detailing their lives to one another and panic set it. I frantically texted my mom things like, “What if I don’t have the experience everyone else has?” And “Does that mean I shouldn’t be here?” Before I even got to camp I was already comparing myself to others and thinking that I wouldn’t be enough. I walked in expecting nothing and walked out completely wrecked.
The first few days were absolutely the most difficult. But difficulty didn’t relent at all during the ten days, by any means. I was pushed daily in every area of my life.
Spiritually and emotionally I was at a standstill. Being surrounded by 55 incredibly grace-filled, amazing people sent me spiraling downward as I questioned whether God had made a mistake in calling me to the race. I spent the first few days watching with a reserved heart as we spent time daily worshipping, listening intently to breakout sessions, connecting with each other, and reflecting on what God was telling us. When I say, “we” for anything that happened in the first few days I mean I was there for all of this but was so closed-off I wasn’t experiencing anything.
Training camp changed for me on day 3. I woke up thinking, I can’t do this halfway, I’m either all in or all out. Don’t get me wrong, since the day I committed to going I had a “yes” in my heart and knew that’s where I was meant to be, but I thought I could do it without destroying who I was. I thought I could do it without getting emotional, because how could I be strong for everyone else if I couldn’t hold myself together. I thought I could do it without living a life that intimately reflected God, because I was fearful that it would draw too much attention to me. It was that day, after spending time in a breakout session, that I decided I was all in. We broke up in groups and spoke to one another about intimate aspects of ourselves that we had buried in hopes of never allowing others to see, I watched and listened intently as the people that I just met divulged areas of their own lives that they had hidden away. When it came my turn, I fought back tears as I spilled what I felt would destroy any good opinions these people had of me but found myself surrounded by nods of agreement and hearts filled with so much love for me. The most shameful parts of me were met by grace, not only by God but by my squad mates. And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel the need to compare myself, because I finally acknowledged that God doesn’t compare us (how could He, you can’t compare things that are SO different). Each day we searched a different part of our hearts that we had be ashamed of or that we had neglected and we spent time sharing it with each other and taking it to God.
You might think that because I experienced so much spiritually and emotionally, that physically we didn’t go through much, but you’re wrong.
Physically, my biggest challenge came when I had to hike 3 miles in the middle of the day (in the Georgia heat), with a 40 pound backpack on, in under 50 minutes. But that wasn’t even close to being the only hurdle I faced. My skin was caked in red Georgia mud for 10 days straight, the only brief relief coming from cold bucket showers that would ultimately be useless as I trudged back through dirt to my campsite, which was far enough that I had another good layer of sweat coating me by the time I got back. Baby wipes were GOLD, so it was a serious sacrifice if someone shared their last baby wipe with you knowing there were 5 more days of camp left. I spent everyday sweating through clothes that no doubt would find their way onto my body many more times before training was over and the sweat puddles left on chairs after sitting through a session was no big deal. We packed up our belongs almost everyday as soon as we woke up just to set everything up again before bed that night. We shared meals with seven other people off of the same plate and without utensils (if you need a visual, imagine scooping white rice off of a plate with dirty fingers and putting them in your mouth, because if you didn’t the rice would go everywhere but your mouth, then sticking those same fingers right back into the community food without hesitation). Stable portion sizes weren’t a thing, some days you’d eat so much you’d feel like you were going to explode while others you left the table with your stomach still growling. We encountered various scenarios that we may come across in the field which left many of us sleep-deprived and uncomfortable. Needless to say, there wasn’t any part of camp that didn’t push me out of the standstill my life had become and this was just the beginning.
Although change was ignited at training, I have a lifetime of seeking God in all things. Shifting through the dark, neglected corners of my life will be a daily battle to work through. I’m wrecked, but God is good and I can’t wait to see the work He does over the next year and for the rest of my life.
I am officially only 23 days away from launch! I am also 80% funded meaning that I only have about $3,300 to raise to be fully funded! How incredible is that?! My goal is still to be fully funded before I head to launch on August 5th. As always, you can subscribe to my blog to follow along with me throughout my journey. You can also donate through my blog! Thank you all for the continued love and support; my heart is so full!
With love x
