I have spent my life planning for my future.
I’ve micromanaged my life to feel in control. Each specific goal set for each point in my life acting as a roadmap that I designed and could alter at any point, if I chose to do so.
Beginning college I planned to graduate with a pre-med biology degree followed immediately by medical school to pursue a degree in pediatrics. I planned to find the love of my life, be engaged, and basically settled. I would have everything settled and in place after medical school.
With just over one semester left in my undergraduate degree I’m not anywhere near where I planned to be. I’ve changed my focus from biology to psychology with intention of graduate school to pursue my phd in clinical psychology (eventually, if it’s God’s will). I’m not in a relationship and have no prospects of any. I’m picking up after graduation and throwing a year of my life into uncertainty and a whirlwind of adventure, traveling with people I’ve never met before to places I’ve never experienced. I’m the furthest thing from being “settled” and having things figured out.
I’d find myself questioning why I couldn’t accomplish my plans; I felt defeated and out of control. I spent so much time digging myself into holes instead of turning to God. After 3 years of confusion, tears, and countless panic attacks, I turned to God and asked him to direct me. Needless to say, when I finally threw out grasping for control I never had, He showed me His plan for me. I was focusing too much on insignificant relationships rather than focusing on my relationship with Him; I was wrapped up in my own plans instead of seeking His plans for me.
One of the most arduous spiritual tasks is to give up control and allow the Spirit of God to lead our lives. I have always struggled with giving up control – being out of control sends me into a spiral of panic attacks and anxiety.
I have been fighting God for control of my life – I thought if I were to fail, God wouldn’t be enough. I planned my career and life with no prayer; I neglected to realize that the plans God has for me are bigger and better than anything I could plan myself.
When I heard God’s calling to go on the World Race, I can assure you my news was not widely accepted. I’ve gotten responses ranging from, “Are you going to be able to handle spending a year away from everyone and live out of a backpack?” to “Are you sure this is for you?” Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten incredible support but the naysayers have the loudest voices. Those voices resonated with me and I began to doubt this decision and turned to God in prayer. He calmed my fears and re-established that this is His plan for me.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” – Psalms 46:1
Suddenly, I was comforted and challenged the naysayers to doubt my purpose. Although I’m sure I’ll experience doubt and fear many more times throughout the next year and even while I’m on the race, I’m excited to grow my relationship with God. Giving up control has always been my biggest weakness but with God I have the strength to follow His plans.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6
God has us exactly where He wants us, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. He allows us to be in situations that only He can fix, so that we are forced to rely on Him. It is until we’ve been reduced beyond our own abilities to make things work that we search whole-heartedly for God. As our faith is strengthened in him we find that there is no longer need to have control.
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8
I surrender all I am to God; He is all that I live for.
I’m letting Him write my story.
As always I appreciate the outpouring of support everyone has given me. If you’d like to donate to me you can click the “support me” button in the upper right corner. You can also subscribe to my blog to receive updates as I post!
With love
