At the start of this month, as I saw the mighty artistry that is Nepal’s Himalayas from the plane window, I was brought to tears. Why? Because in that moment God gave me a promise for this month. He told me that “mountains were going to move,” and though I didn’t know what that meant, I believed and trusted in this promise.
As I write this, just a few days shy of leaving Nepal and heading into month 3 (WHAT? Where has the time gone??), I am yet again overwhelmed. Because I realized that He has fulfilled this promise to me, and I want to share with you the way He has worked this month. Ok, here goes.
During debrief at the start of the month, we had a night when girls were sharing words, visions and pictures that the Holy Spirit was sharing with them in regard to the other women on our squad. It was awesome. It was beautiful. And though it’s hard to admit, I was jealous. I wanted to be that conduit, yet I had never experienced God in such ways. So after a short pity party with myself, I pulled myself together and simply asked Him to give those things to me too!
Why hadn’t it occurred to me sooner– to actually ask for something I want? So I asked specifically for words, dreams and visions. And you know what’s amazingly awesome? He has given them all to me this month!
Visions. My first vision was that of Him dancing with me. This was beautiful to me, because you see I love to dance. I grew up in dance classes, did drill team in high school, and I enjoy going dancing! I love to partner dance with people I love– with my dad, granddad, guy friends, and hopefully one day my husband.
In those moments, I feel beautiful. Treasured. Adored. Wanted. Enjoyed. Loved. Joy-filled. Alive. Cherished. And with this vision, all of these feelings overwhelmed me. I saw the entire scene in my mind’s eye. I heard the music, I saw the steps, and he was dancing with me as a Father would dance with His beloved daughter!
So he gave back to me this month my love for dance, which is something I haven’t really tapped into since high school. I’ve danced with Him on the rooftops of Nepal– first in my vision, and several times in reality through worship music! Dance has become a way of connecting with Him, and I’ve loved every minute of it!
Then there were visions of my time after the Race– a bolder version of me. A more confident version of me.
Someone who is confident in her Father, someone who walked in complete freedom, and someone not afraid of what others thought, because the only opinion that mattered was her Father’s.
These visions of me were visions of worship leading and teaching others in the church, particularly girls and women, and sharing with them the new ways I have learned to worship– through art, singing, dance, etc. Though I’m scared to publish this because teaching the Word, or worship, or being a worship leader currently aren’t things I am comfortable with or have stepped into yet, I’m also so excited that through the race He is obviously calling me into greater things than I would envision for me!
Dreams. And the latest one was a dream. A dream of being tenderly kissed and awakened from sleep, literally and figuratively. It was so strange because the dream was so real. Through this dream, God has told me this is how He feels about me. He has told me this is how He desires me. That this is how much he desires intimacy with me. That this is the way He is the lover of my soul. With tenderness. With the softest of touches. With pursuit.
This has made me undone, y’all! He wants to be “my man” and love me in the deepest ways! As I write that, I realize how weird and creepy all this sounds, and I am not meaning he wants to be “my man” instead of a physical person. But He desires that level of intimacy and more with EACH OF US. This doesn’t mean there isn’t room for those husbands/wives in our lives, but there is a reason Christ is described as the Bridegroom. He is to be our number one. He knows us better than any person on this earth ever could, and despite knowing all these things he loves me and desires me deeply and intimately ANYWAY.
Because I struggle with loving myself for me, I struggle believing that anyone, especially Him, could love me for me. So this shook me to the core and blew my mind! Through this dream He has shown me that He loves me just as I am in this very moment. Dry, frizzy, dirty hair. Smelly, unmatched clothes. Tired. Worn out. (insert in the blank). He doesn’t care what state we’re in! And He wants to dance with me, just as I am in this very moment!
Words. I received words and clues on our treasure hunt– marigolds. Woman “clothed” in white. These clues, along with the other words and pictures of my teammates, led us directly to a physical place in Katmandu that was all of these things. It. was. AWEsome. And then yesterday during our painting class when we were blindfolded and asked to pray and see where the Spirit leads us in terms of painting, my squad-mate wound up with deep, dark blue paint. His brushstrokes looked chaotic and haphazard to me, and when I looked at them I got the word depth. That there was great depth there. That he had great depth to him, and that he needed to recognize it, own it, and step into it! And this word, not from me but from the Spirit, resonated with him deeply!
What? Really? Cool! I was just a conduit for the Spirit!
Oh? And I can’t forget to mention that He HEALED ME. Yep, while I was painting a bird onto a canvas in art class, I had a conversation with Him that went something like this (because I had been physically sick, losing my stomach and experiencing queasiness for 3.5 days):
I can’t handle much more of this queasiness, Lord. I’m tired of it. I’m frustrated and angered by it. I’m struggling with not having a spirit of complaint about me. I don’t want it– the queasiness or spirit of complaint. If this is something I am to live with for long, then give me a spirit of joy amidst the pain. And fortitude. And perseverance. And endurance so that I can, in the midst, be fully present and giving my all to ministry. But Lord, more than anything, I really want you to heal me. To take away the pain, because I know that you are the Great Physician. That you bring healing to the weak and bind up the broken-hearted. Please heal me and allow me to use this story as testimony to your power and might!
And within a few minutes, as I was painting this canvas (see below) as I felt Him leading me to, the queasiness had left. Oh, how I adore you! Oh, how I want to shout your name from the rooftops! Oh, how I love you and how much you love me, Jesus! I am overwhelmed at the thought of you and how much you love me. How much you want good for me. Thank you, for healing me and letting me share you throughout the world! Thank you for birds that I got to share the sky with, and mountains, and sunrises and sunsets that show me YOU!
One last thing. I have loved how my ministry this month has shown me that worship can take on so many forms, and that these formats– dance, jewelry-making, art– can also be a ministry tool. Imagine walking up to someone and saying “I felt God leading me to paint this for you” and then explaining the meaning behind the work?
(this I drew to give to a girl who needs to hear she is ROYALTY to Him– can’t wait to give it away as it is a lesson He has just taught me!)
What? You’ve just given someone a physical gift and a connection to a God they may have never heard of!
What a blessing we can be!
So go out and use your talents.
Use the things you love to do to minister to someone else!
Sit down and talk to God about what to paint, make, or do.
And then follow His lead, however odd it may seem.
He has something great to show you.
He has something new to teach you.
He has passions he wants to birth (or re-birth) in you.
And last but not least, enjoy this song/video that I have been dancing to! I hope it will give you a mental picture of how He dances with you too!
