I have felt ugly as I struggle with being completely exposed to others, fearful that people won’t like me for me the UN-MAKEUPed, “everything’s out here for you to see” me. I have placed my identity for so long in outward appearances that letting go of this side of me has been a struggle greater than I had imagined. Even at training camp, as my Jesus tried to tear down that wall I have constructed to protect me, I told him I didn’t struggle with appearances and comparison, and that it was in my past…
Ya right! I was living in DENIAL! Comparing was all I did while I was there! And sizing everyone else up, I decided everyone had so much more beauty (inside and out) than me. I came home to busy-ness, and had little time to process my feelings from camp, which was fine by me, but God began tearing down this wall last week on my 30th birthday, and it was hard, but good.
That day, I heard Him saying… I want you to be you. I want you to be comfortable in that. Embrace who you are in me and to me.
You see, I’ve already forgotten that He tells me… I am loved. I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PERFECT in His sight.
I can’t really say that I believe these words, so I am asking Him to change me. To change my perspective of me and To allow me to be open, brutally honest and raw with people. Being honest with myself and showing my true feelings wasn’t something I grew up doing so it is so foreign and SCARY.
I struggle with letting people in. I feel as though I don’t know how to let people in. I place myself at a distance. I talk to fill the void. I put on a “happy face.” That’s just what you do, right? That was what I took away from the world around me. How WRONG and HARMFUL that was! As a result, Im much more comfortable bull-dozing through life, rarely questioning how I feel. Its easier, or so I have told myself!
So brutal honesty is what I am trying to do right now… so that maybe those of you who struggle with these things can see you aren’t alone. So that there can be healing in the recognition, understanding, tears and brokenness. And that you, alongside me, will address and try to change your bull-dozing ways!
