I am inadequate. I've realized this this weekend, and discovered that not too long after I accepted this call to the World Race, I stopped trusting him. It feels like the moment I said yes, I stopped believing and trusting that He could do this. I started, once again, to rely completely on myself… as if I could take on this challenge of support-raising on my own. I have been concerned about other people's perceptions, overly concerned that I am being this nagging, obnoxious, begging for money individual. And the concerns and fears have kept me frozen, or in the very least slow-moving.
As a result, I have turned this fundraising period into something about me. I even started feeling sorry for myself! Well, it's not about me! I've thought about it all wrong, because it's about making His name known and walking in step with others in an effort to pursue what we all are called to as Christ followers– to make His name known!
I have allowed fear to get in the way, particularly concern over how I have led a very unbalanced life these last few years. I have felt so over-extended in my teaching jobs (or even before when I was busy working and searching for a job) that I have not been able to build the deep friend relationships here in Houston that I should have by now. I am concerned that as a result of this, I will not be able to raise enough support.
My lack of deep relationships is part of the reason I am so drawn to ministry and this World Race. I don't want to be shallow with people; it's not me or what God intended for us. I want to pour deeply into people and INVEST. This I have desperately missed, and quite frankly I don't know how to fit it into my current life. My hope is that this race can help me restore this part of me, and push me toward a path that will allow me to continue to go deep with people no matter what God has for me post-race.
Through voicing these fears and addressing what is wrong (I don't analyze often and instead bull-doze through life), I am realizing that I will never be enough at this fundraising thing, because no one is. God will show up and make this happen… probably not on my timetable, but at the right time and place where His glory in this journey will be mighty evident.
I know that these fears and concerns will come back, but I am thankful that I serve a God who takes them on and I can lay them at His feet! This past Sunday my pastor spoke about how we have a tendency to put up walls, but that God, by sending his Son, tore down those walls. I have not been living like God has torn down these walls! When I try to take life on alone, I am always going to begin to feel miserable… INADEQUATE. Romans 3:23 tells us "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." We will never measure up, but God, full of grace, mercy and kindness, steps in… we can't knock down the walls we build without His help! So I encourage you to examine yourself and determine if you are living like I have been… with walls! Let Him help you tear down those walls and live freely!
